Molting
Posted on November 15th, 2008 in Just Pensive
There are many ways that acting, as a profession, messes with your psyche. Because the business is overcrowded with competition and chock full of rejection, in order to survive, you need to develop a thick skin. Despite my wanting to and probably born out of necessity than anything else, I have developed a thin protective veil that allows me to keep moving forward without wanting to curl up in bed and die. And while this veil is necessary for survival in such a harsh climate, I find it hinders other aspects of my life, other aspects where I don’t really need to wear it.
Becoming a hard, bitter person doesn’t happen over night in the same way that self-esteem can’t grow in a day. For someone like me, who is naturally confidence-less and who was raised in an environment that didn’t boost what little I had, there seems to be a fine line between building self-worth and building an inflated, narcissistic ego. I have been actively concentrating over the past few years to build up some confidence, to take risks, to be more self-assured and I wonder if I have been overzealous in this endeavor not because I suddenly find myself with an astounding amount of self-confidence (I don’t, at all) but rather because I am noticing a pattern of negativity in my thoughts, a critical voice that no longer just criticizes myself but everyone else around me.
Perhaps this is just an extension of the go-to defense mechanism that I learned while growing up: I will beat myself up before anyone else can. This is best manifested in my fantastic ability to self-deprecate. Allow me to make a joke about myself so you can’t hurt me first. Let’s put aside how messed up and unfortunate that way of thinking is and look at how dangerous it can be when it proliferates into I will beat YOU up before you can beat ME up.
I realize this is the nature of the business but I am disheartened to realize that I have bought into it, bought into a career centered around Me Me Me and What You Have That I Don’t. I am constantly ingesting the underlying mephitic whispers of my chosen profession: that I am only of value at my thinnest, that I am already too old to get anywhere, that I have nothing to offer anyone and sadder still, that when You are successful, it immediately means that I Am Not. None of these things are true, of course, and I used to know that. I find I am more forgetful now.
There are many layers to this. Wanting to protect myself from rejection is natural and building up a wall of some kind seems obvious as any actor will tell you that to some extent, it is absolutely without-a-doubt necessary for survival. But I have been paying close attention to my innermost thoughts lately and I do not like them. There is very little gratitude, very little humility, lots of criticism, lots of jealousy and anger, a kind of insatiable cupidity that disgusts me. Perhaps acting is only a piece of that, perhaps the path I have taken, a path of over self-analysis, of psychotherapy, of living in New York City, of keeping a blog, that this path has helped create a young woman who is incredibly self-absorbed. This is ironic because I don’t feel more confident, I just feel like an asshole.
I’m thinking that my recent discovery of commitmentphobia is directly tied to my negative attitude. I am less loving and therefore, less open to being loved. While I still manage to find hope and joy in so many things, when it comes to relationships, I am startled to find out that I seem to start off any adventure waiting to be let down. Disappoint me now, come on, I know you will. That strikes me as overwhelmingly sad.
I realize that I am a 25 year old living in a notoriously hard, fast-paced, jaded city. I am therefore completely unable to return to my spoony adolescent attitude of consistent hope and firm belief in my talents and ability to love. But surely there is a way to balance protecting yourself and your heart while still allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Is that in and of itself naive? Is there a way to let down my guard more while still maintaining my sanity and good nature? Or do I have to pick sides?
There must be a way to build myself up emotionally without mentally putting others down. There has to be a way to experience rejection and disappointment without internalizing it and allowing it to consume you. Perhaps there is a way to put up my wall in an audition setting and take it back down again when dealing with people and relationships. It is so difficult to find a happy medium and I am honestly so turned off by myself lately.
I am independent to a fault. You can’t take care of me because I already know how. I can’t bend my schedule to accommodate yours because mine is too important. I can’t slow down because my business never slows down and can’t you see that since I started so late, I am constantly playing catch up? I have such a hard time letting someone in because MY PRIORITIES! MY ROUTINE! It is all SO IMPORTANT.
Newsflash: in the grand scheme of things, it actually isn’t.
I am posting this for the reason I post a lot of other things: accountability. Now that I’ve owned up to it, I can change it. I can also perhaps treat myself gently. The acting thing is a huge part of this but I can count three major events that have transpired in the past six months that have aggrandized the subtle negativity into a level that no longer feels comfortable. I am partly to blame for one but the other two were out of my hands, 100% and maybe it’s natural for us to get a little bitter when life kicks us in the ass repeatedly.
I have already taken some steps to shed the negativity which I’m excited about and hey, we can all agree I’m on the right path if I’m still able to get excited, right? Maybe I’ll share some of my pointers for Drawing Yourself Up Out of the Muck in case anyone else out there tends to get into these negative Hate the World funks. No? It’s just me? Okay then, um, just forget it.
As always, thanks for listening and I hope that if you know me personally, I have been deft at shielding you from my nastiness. If I haven’t, please forgive me. If you don’t know me personally, BE VERY GRATEFUL. That is all.
I kept wanting to highlight lines to say, “I feel just the same,” but then I realized I’d highlighted nearly the entire post. I had no idea you were feeling this way, but this post echoes my thoughts 100% from the past few weeks or so. It’s always a struggle, balancing the negativity, and particularly balancing self-confidence with humility. I tend to be pretty feast or famine in that regard– either completely self-loathing or completely self-aggrandizing. Neither is entirely warranted.
You found your words!
Ah, yes. I suppose as negativity slowly creeps over you, self-awareness does too. It took me awhile to see it until finally, this weekend I started realizing that I was ALWAYS jumping to a catty comment and ALWAYS beating myself up and ALWAYS stepping easily into the role of a victim like WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
Which is valid for so long until you’re like, Um, Self? There are other things in the world besides YOU and your 25 year old ANGST.
I will admit however that Crappy/Weird Stuff Happening To Me DOES happen to me more than most people but this is, again, just my narcissistic perspective.
And yes, Alayna, I FOUND THEM. This post took forever to write because I couldn’t find the right ones. Phew. I DID IT.
Hey its me again lol Danielle Durante I was thinking tonight about your blog and I really think you should try and publish it?? I always had a dream of publishing my journals and one day hope to write a book. But I really think you could make some money and change a lot of lives at the same time. Have you ever thought of doing that??