Double Whammy: A Post About My Uterus AND Uretha. You’re Welcome.
At 7:30 this morning, I pushed the silver faucet to the left and a gush of water began flowing into the bathtub. I waited for it to warm up, holding my fingers in the stream of it and when I was convinced it was at its hottest, I pulled up the drain and the tub began to fill. My head felt light and my stomach felt queasy but neither were a match for the sharp stabbing pains in my lower back and the deep wrenching contractions of my abdomen. I glanced at my face in the mirror and it was so pale it seemed nearly translucent.
As soon as the water rose a few inches, I climbed in, still wearing the navy blue USNA ‘05 t-shirt that I had slept in. It hadn’t occurred to me to take it off and I couldn’t find the energy to do so anyway. The heat intensified the cramping and my body screamed in protest.
“Roommate?” I croaked, unsure if he heard me over the whirring of the bathroom fan.
A few moments later he replied, “Are you dying?”
“Yes.”
His face popped up as a reflection in the mirror and he looked down to find my head and arms draped over the side of the tub, staring at him in agony.
“I need a pot.”
“A pot?”
“Yes.”
“DONE.”
He fetched a silver pot from the kitchen and placed it in front of me. I was only inches away from the toilet but I knew that heaving myself out of the tub every few minutes required strength I did not possess.
And that is how I spent two and a half hours this morning alternately laying in the tub with my head against the rim and leaning over the side of it, wretching stomach bile into a big silver pot.
I got myself to work and called the Actor’s Clinic where I was firmly told by the secretary that the doctor could NOT AT ALL see me today, NOT AT ALL. I begged her, insisting that I had seen him before for this very reason, I just need a prescription for an antibiotic, for the LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY. She snapped at me that that was NOT POSSIBLE and how DARE I think I could get a prescription without seeing a doctor first.
I hung up on her which I felt guilty about later but when your urethra is on fire and you don’t have insurance, it’s hard to be polite.
I called three other clinics, all of them full because it was Friday! Of course! Only one clinic takes walk-in appointments but they charge a flat rate of $125 which, surprise I do not have. I mean, okay, I HAVE IT. But did I want to spend it on getting antibiotics for my 500th UTI of the year? Answer: NO.
JK finally recommended I walk over to my company’s health clinic which is located in another building. I had attempted this once before at a different location and was turned away due to my rockstar temp status. Since options were limited and I was peeing rusty nails, I decided to give it a shot.
The clinic was quiet and friendly and a plastic jack-o-lantern sat on the table, grinning at me, full of mini Twix bars.
“I NEED HELP,” I blurted to the secretary.
“Yes?”
“I think I have a UTI and if you don’t help me, I’m going to throw myself into the East River.”
“No problem.”
She handed me a clipboard, I filled out the information, nobody asked me any questions, no one wanted to know if I was a temp, no one seemed to care at all.
I gave the nurse a urine sample (wasn’t she lucky!) and she took my temperature (normal) and my blood pressure (100/60.) She asked me a few general medication questions about allergies (none) and past surgeries (zero) and then, in thick Long Island, she said, “And now, I am going to ask you some personal questions.”
“AWESOME,” I said.
There are always fantastically embarrassing questions that are asked about a UTI, most of them involving peeing and sexual activity.
“Isn’t that lame?” I asked the nurse as she scribbled on a chart.
“What’s that?”
“That I don’t even get these from sex? That I get UTI’s from sitting around and blinking at the wall?”
At this point she laughed and then asked me how many I get in a year.
“1 2 3 4 come on baby say you love me?”
Because, who doesn’t throw in some Gloria Estefan when they can help it?
She furrowed her brow and went to fetch the doctor. While she was gone, I glanced around the examining room, taking note of the scale and the white crinkly paper on the table and the counters full of q-tip containers. I am one of those freaks who LIKES doctors’ offices because oh my goodness, the CLEANLINESS. THE ORGANIZATION.
She returned with a prescription for an antibiotic and two tiny pills in an envelope which would get ride of my symptoms immediately.
“Also, I would get to a urologist when you can.”
“Wha???”
“It’s okay to get a UTI once a year or so but two or three? With very little reason? It’s a bit odd.”
“You think it has something to do with the fact that I generally have to pee every 20 minutes or so?”
“Um. UROLOGIST. SEE ONE.”
“KTHXBYE!” I squealed and walked out the door, taking care to grab some Twix bars for the walk back to work.
The UTI’s concern me but not nearly as much as my traumatic menstrual cycle. Now, not every month is this bad; the last time it was like this was back in February, at work. I spent approximately two and a half hours in an office toilet stall, begging for mercy. It’s a lot easier to handle at home because 1) I can get naked and B) I can get in a bathtub. I’ve thought about finding a suitable place to soak in a tub at work but I can’t seem to make that happen.
These episodes have been hitting me since high school with little warning and in a variety of settings:
1 - Collapsing in chorus class, the nurse wheels me in a wheelchair to her office which is the coolest thing that ever happened to me as a high school junior. And by coolest, I mean most embarrassing. To make it more awesome, she cannot get ahold of my mother so my father leaves work to take me home. He puts a blanket over me while I lay on the couch and nervously wonders what on earth is going on.
2 - In Amish country in Pennsylvania. My father took my other siblings out of the hotel for the day while I sit in the bathtub and cry. My mom holds my hand and asks what she can do.
3 - In the middle of rehearsals for a college production of “Children of Eden”. My friend Rosie who was assistant directing, scooped me up off the bathroom floor, took me to her dorm room and put me in a hot shower. I vomited three times. It was the first time I didn’t care that anyone was seeing me naked.
4 - Temping at my first job out of college. Mid-morning, I lose all color in my face and double over in pain. My creepy coworker who spent his down time shooting squirrels in his backyard helps me into my car and drives me home since I am unable to do it myself.
5 - Wintertime in Astoria. A Saturday morning at 8 am. My roommate holds my hair back while I kneel on the bathroom mat and vomit into the bathtub. Later, he makes me a cup of chamomile tea and we sit on the couch and watch the Food network.
6 - Last February, at work. A coworker eventually finds me hugging a toilet, gets me a heating pad and puts me in a taxi. My boss suggests birth control or a hysterectomy. I tell her they both sound like amazing options.
7 - Today. Called in sick to work around 10 AM when I finally made my way out of the bathroom and into my bed. The nausea persisted for a total of five hours. JK stops by with Gatorade and sits across from me while I sip it and eat dry Cheerios one by one.
The episodes are getting longer and more intense as I get older. I personally believe my body is revolting my decision not to have a baby at this point in my life. I have no scientific evidence that supports this; it’s just my own little theory. Good, right?
There would normally be a lot of pain, a bit of nausea but it used to be over in about a half hour. I was able to take some pain medication and be fine for the rest of the day. Over the past year, the episodes persist, longer and longer. Today, I was in the bathtub for over two and a half hours, without an ounce of relief. The pain comes in waves, like contractions, a few seconds of peace before my abdomen clenches up again and I attempt a feeble protest.
I stood up in the middle of it this morning in a pathetic attempt to wash my hair but was greeted with one big I DON’T THINK SO as my knees trembled and I was forced to lay back down in the water. Thanks to my stomach finally calming down and the ingestion of the Cheerios, I was able to swallow some Motrin which has helped enormously.
It should also be noted that once I found solace in my bed, the doorbell rang. And rang again. Hoping it was someone coming to take care of me, I slowly made my way downstairs, clinging tightly to the banister. When I opened the door, an Asian man handed me a pamphlet about Jesus, which I took, to be polite. I then offered a meek “thank you” and shut the door in his face before he had the chance to proselytize.
I realize that people suffer with ailments all the time, most of them so much worse than this but I mean, this is my blog so am I allowed to just say, WHAT THE HELL!?????
Thank you.
I hope this is the last post I ever make about my uterus on this blog but long time readers will tell you not to believe that for a SECOND.
And now, I am going to continue dying a slow death over here on my couch.
Funny because my period came a week early–this was supposed to happen on the day of my cabaret next week.
So, I suppose, I should be grateful for that?
Or something?
But I’m too busy sitting on the couch, figuring out ways for my gay roommate to knock me up so we can be done with this once and for all.
Carry on, you guys. Don’t worry about me. Happy Tuesday.
OMG YOU POOR THING.
I feel for you SO MUCH on this. As we’ve discussed, my medical history regarding Cramps from Hell and visits from my Aunt Flo is eerily similar to yours.
I can think of countless times throughout my life since high school that sound exactly like what you describe. Days I’ve puked in the hall at school or missed important life events because I lying on the bathroom floor, sobbing. It’s tapered off quite a bit in recent years, but still occasionally rears its ugly head.
I know there’s no one to be angry at, but it makes me angry. Because, as a woman, how the EFF am I supposed to have a successful career and eventually care for a family when I am unexpectedly 100% out of commission one day out of every month?
And don’t even get me started on the Whirlwind of Crazy that is me on PMS or birth control…
But I’m glad for you that your period came early! (Um, I guess?) Because having this happen during your cabaret would have been so awful!
Feel better!
Maybe your insurance status will change with the new president?
I really feel bad for you. My cramps today do not compare with what you’re going through. Have you tried the pill?
This used to happen to me too. The first 12 hours of my period would involve throwing up and debilitating contraction-like cramps. The electric heating pad was my best friend. Just think of it as practice for when you actually do have a baby. My last throwing-up cramps was during labor and I kept thinking, “This is it? It’s no worse then bad cramps!”
I would not suggest pregnancy as a cure as single parenthood kinda sucks, but hormonal bc might lessen the severity. You can see about getting low-cost or free bc from planned parenthood. Also large doses of aleve taken prophallacticaly before the cramps get started seemed to help them from getting really bad.
Thank you Laurie!
Thank you Abbie! I’ve tried two forms of the pill–one was Loestrin24 or something? Apparently it was way too low estrogen because my ovaries basically ignored it. I tried one more, I believe it was something like Ovcon35? It made me CRAZIER THAN A LOON. I was tired and psychotic and basically how I am when I PMS except 24/7. Not to mention, cramps still hurt. BUT, I was only on it two months.
I’m hesitant to go back to it. I know there are many kinds to try but I hate the artificial hormone thing and my body is F-ed up but at least I know it really, really well. Does that make sense?! I don’t know. Alls I know is, THIS CANNOT HAPPEN ANYMORE.
Anonymous–
That is the one bonus, I think, of this whole ordeal! Labor, or at least the early stages, should seem like a walk in the park. (This is what I tell myself, it could very well be that I am just a total wuss in general and labor is going to SLAY ME DEAD.)
And yes, the option is definitely pop out a kid ASAP because I heard that cures the evil that is Cramps O’ Death. I have much love for the heating pad and even MORE love for my bathtub.
I have heard that you should start taking painkillers in the days before your period; I should totally try it. I always forget and it’s a terrible catch-22 because once it starts, I can’t take anything because I’m vomiting and I’m vomiting because of the pain so…that just SUCKS. I will try taking something a few days before and see if it helps!
Been there, done that…the crawling, the puking, the pale-as-death skin, the sweating, the trembling, the collapsing…
I, too, am reluctant to go on BC pills, and since that seems to be the doctor’s only recommendation for me, I’ve learned about a few things that help me cope.
Taking ibuprofen DOES help, as long as you take them BEFORE the cramps start. I always take 4 when I wake up knowing my period is coming. I then take 3 every five hours or so. I know it’s not wonderful, but it’s better than the alternative.
Secondly, I highly, highly recommend the “child” pose. I don’t know if you do Yoga or not, but it’s a very easy yoga position that really, really helps diminish my agony-inducing cramps, especially when I tuck a heating pad between my legs and my belly as I do it. Look it up and try it. It’s amazing.
You could also try Cramp Bark. It’s an herbal tincture. When I start to feel cramping, I take 8 drops every ten minutes until I feel like I’m not going to cramp anymore. It has worked wonders (though not always all the time). There’s also a remedy out there called “Cyclease.” I get it at the health food store. They’re little tablets that dissolve on your tongue. You have to take one every 10-15 minutes, but they really, really do work (though they may make your stomach a little queasy).
Hope this helps! I can completely sympathize.
-Kelsie
Ibuprofen is the word of the day. Start taking it before your period, you just need to get yourself on a schedule to make sure you take it. Use an old BC pill thing to hold your meds or something to remind yourself.
Oh, BTW, two pregnancies later and no relief from cramps. I hope that ain’t from the Dlug side of the genetics.
My mom claims she never had cramps, but she has selective memory and a way crazy pain tolerance (can you say root canal without drugs?).
Kelsie - Thanks for your suggestions! I am familiar with yoga and will attempt the child’s pose. Laurie also recommended a stretch or two and I will give both of them a try. I’m sure I can figure out a way to do it while also IN the bathtub. Anyone?
And cramp bark! I discovered that term while googling yesterday and I must say, it sounds BIZARRE but I am down.
Sounds like everyone is pretty adamant about the Ibuprofen a few days before and I am going to have to listen and suck up my hatred for painkillers. I WILL OBEY YOU, INTERNET!
Deanna - Wait. WAIT. CHILDBIRTH DID NOT CURE YOU!?!?!? I’m going to stick my fingers in my ears and pretend you never said that. NEVER EVER. Also, Aunt Joan? THE CRAZY. Much like her brother. My dad walked around with a broken finger, broken BITS OF BONE HANGING OUT IN HIS FINGER, for over three months before he realized it was “kinda botherin’” him.
Wha?
Why did I not inherit this quality? I stub my toe and I’m like VICODIN! PLEASE! ANYONE!
Yeah, well, Uncle Lee pulls out his own teeth and sews up his own wounds.
I think they all lack pain receptors or something. My son seems to exhibit the same pain threshold too. It’s a little weird if you ask me.
Dlug = weird, in case no one has noticed these past few years!
Rita - Well, at least we have an excuse. We didn’t have much choice getting born into the weirdness. You voluntarily married into it
Things to try that have worked for me. Lots of extra calcium in the week before does wonders, maybe not the first time but things do improve over a few months. I’m down to just a heavy feeling and a bad headache now. And kids don’t help a bit!
Concentrated cranberry capsules cure those urinary infections quite well if you start early enough. Got that from my Aunt who got it from her doc. Worked for me too.
viv in nz