For the longest time, I have refused to accept responsibility for my relationship patterns. I was always the victim. Things always happened TO ME. Sure, I felt like crap hurting people. Actually, crap doesn’t even begin to describe it–guilt, agony, searing pain. I knew how deeply I hurt others by leaving meaningful relationships. I felt that, of course I did. But, don’t you see, I left because they were WRONG for me. I left because I was being PRESSURED into something that didn’t feel right. IT WAS NOT ME AT ALL. IT WAS ALL THEM.

OMG GUESS WHAT YOU GUYZ?

It is totally me.

Now, I don’t want to discount my gut completely because I think it knows what’s up most of the time. I don’t regret not pursuing a relationship with that guy who showed up drunk to our first date. I don’t regret walking away from a longterm relationship that my heart was just not in. But I do regret jumping to the conclusion that the problems in other relationships were NOT mine and could NOT BE FIXED and hey, you go cry yourself to sleep while I get out of this commitment as FAST AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

I made some big steps in therapy this week. I realized for the first time that I am very afraid. I realized that this fear prevents me from doing certain things in my life that I say I want to do. I’m all, PLEASE SOMEONE LOVE ME AND LET’S HAVE BABIES while simultaneously running away from every potential relationship that has the power to make that wish come true. Why this is so, well, I’m not entirely sure though I do have some ideas. However, the important thing is realizing that it IS true and y’all, I feel like I have been smacked in the face with a good harsh dose of reality.

I blame Laurie for this naturally because she was the first one who suggested I might have a tendency toward commitment phobia. I immediately thought, WHAT? THAT IS SO CRAZY LAURIE. AM SO TOTALLY INTO COMMITTING. WATCH ME DO IT. It was only after some self-analysis, 10,000 more e-mails to Laurie and the longest therapy session of my life that some things were brought into the light. Things that SCARED ME, people. Things that made me think, DAMNIT! YOU HAVE WORK TO DO, WOMAN.

My therapist lent me a fantastic self-help book with the cheesiest title ever. I replaced it with a cover from a Harry Potter novel so when I ride the subway, people aren’t clucking their tongues and thinking, “Ohhhhhhh. SELF-HELP FREAK!” Instead, I am cheerfully reading about Azkaban and Hermione and Quidditch.

I wanted to post excerpts from the book that particularly struck me until I realized that would involve copy and pasting EVERY LINE in the book. EVERY SINGLE ONE. But okay. Let’s start with this list of things that might alert you to the fact that you have some “unresolved commitment conflicts”:

* You have a history of relationships in which one partner wants more while the other wants less.

To expand on this first point, if you want less (AKA me! Always me!) this is common behavior:

- Your partners have typically complained that you are pulling back, withholding or constructing obstacles and boundaries to avoid closeness or commitment.
- You may be conscious of wanting less and may methodically limit how much you give as a means of avoiding the expectation of commitment.
- You resent realistic expectations, such as intimacy, shared time, or fidelity.
- You are very skillful at avoiding commitment and have a complex repertoire of built-in behavior patterns that help you maintain distance
- You are conscious of having disappointed and hurt your partners.

Other fun alerts include:

* Within a relationship your responses tend to be highly unrealistic and extreme–overly romantic, overly critical, overly involved, overly detached.
* You look at friends who have solid commitments and think that they have compromised in a way that you wouldn’t.
* You believe that any difficulties you have with commitment will be resolved once you meet the “right” person.
* You become acutely uncomfortable when you feel someone is closing in on you and invading your space.
* You gravitate toward professions or employment conditions that allow you flexibility in terms of time and space.

Damnit, you guys. I am a textbook commitment-phobe and this is fascinating to me because I wasn’t always this way. AT ALL. My therapist and I discussed possible reasons why I might now be more afraid:

1. I dated a mentally unwell person who had the opposite problems I did–boundary issues/co-dependency. Couple that with my need for space and you have the most volatile, hurtful relationship I have ever been in. Scars, anyone?

2. I’m getting older. A serious relationship at 25 means more than it did at 23 and more than it did at 19. I am afraid to try to work at a relationship because it might not work out and OH THAT HURTS. But also, I am afraid to try to work at a relationship because it MIGHT work and OHHHH WHAT THE HELL DO I DO THEN!!?!?

I’m sure there are more but those are the two immediate suggestions.

Is it a coincidence that for a very long time (YEARS), I kept in touch with EVERY SINGLE EX-BOYFRIEND I EVER HAD? I mean it. Every single one. What on earth was I doing? At the time, I told myself we were just being friendly. Now I see that I was really attempting to keep my options open, keep an escape plan handy, JUST IN CASE things didn’t work out with my current beau.

I have said before on this blog that I don’t talk about the person I’m dating for privacy reasons. Do you know what a load of bullshit that is? I don’t talk about the people I’m dating because I don’t want to be held ACCOUNTABLE. Because then you’ll think we’re serious! Or you’ll think I’ve moved on for good! And oh shit, if YOU think that, IT MUST BE TRUE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

So, I’m faced with some options right now. Naturally, the only way to work through commitment issues is to, uh, commit. WHO KNEW? This involves dating. It means getting out there and meeting people and giving it 100%. Or perhaps resuscitating an old relationship in the hopes of getting it right the second time around. Naturally, all of this terrifies me but is also kind of exciting because, hm, maybe one day I won’t be such a freak.

Obviously, working on commitment issues only works if I truly want to commit. And honestly? I’m still not sure that I do. Part of me feels like I never got the chance to date casually and meet men and have fun. I always seem to gravitate towards the Marrying Type of guy. I’m not saying I want to run around town with a rich business guy but I feel like that is my right as a young New Yorker and I might want to take someone up on it before I settle down.

Then again, there is the part of me that knows that I don’t particularly enjoy dating. I kind of hate Rich Business Guy and all that he stands for. (Quirky Farm Boy? SIGN ME UP!) I prefer to be a serial monogamist; I like the security and comfort of someone who knows me really well. So, I’m not exactly sure where to go with this now. I could go date and have fun until I am ready to be COMMITTTED. Or, I could seek out someone right now and learn how to commit or at least, learn how to work through my fears of opening up to someone that way.

I want to be well. I want to sift through all the bullshit that has built up over the years. I want to take it one day at a time, to understand that self-awareness is the first step, to know that I am lucky to be so young and so willing to do the work. I’m not here to know everything, I’m just here to learn. I want to be patient with myself and loving and forgiving. And really, at the end of the day, I know that no matter what, I’m going to be just fine.

Anybody wanna get married?