I’m in a funk.

It’s a weird numb sort of feeling that I often bubbles up when my hormones are out of whack. Right before my period comes crashing down on me, I will lay on the carpet and blink at the ceiling. Or I will just simply answer, “I don’t know” to any question anyone asks me. Actually, that is not completely unlike me all the time but whatever. The hormones aren’t to blame this time and I don’t really know what is. (And what the heck do I do when I can’t blame something!? UGH!)

I woke up yesterday and there were three possible things to do–go for a jog, go to an audition, go to work. I didn’t want to do any of those things and instead, sat at the kitchen table staring at nothing in particular wondering what to do next. Eventually, I got in the shower and showed up a bit late to work and then spent my time there doing the exact same thing.

I don’t particularly feel like crying though I finally caved in and did a bit of that last night. But on the whole, this is not a depression. I know what that feels like and I am not suffocating in the dark. I don’t feel particularly worried about anything either even though nothing lately is going my way. (THANK YOU LANDLORD FOR RAISING MY RENT. HOW DID YOU KNOW I FINALLY GOT A RAISE AT WORK? HOW??)

I feel tired. I feel off. I feel like I can’t feel. My friends encourage me to take care of myself. “Just do something that YOU want to do! What would make you happy?” And…I draw blanks. Nothing, really, actually. I am okay and not okay with pretty much everything. Maybe that is the issue–where is my excitement? Where is my adventure? What am I looking forward to?

Nothing, really.

Auditions have sucked my soul. I very well may just be shutting down because, psychologically after singing OVER AND OVER for rooms full of people who don’t care, my mind is all, “PLEASE STOP GETTING REJECTED ALL THE TIME. WE CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.” And my body is echoing that with a, “Seriously, are you insane? This sucks.” And my emotions are just about dead so that sort of sums it up nicely.

So this is where everyone chimes in with, “But look at all you’ve accomplished!” or “Look at all you have!” And to that I say, “thank you” and start feeling like a selfish asshole. I didn’t lose money in the stock market, I didn’t lose my home, I don’t really have anything to feel bummed out in particular. That may be the problem, right? If I could nail down exactly what was bugging me, then I could work towards finding a solution, hmmm?

If I don’t know what’s the matter, what on earth am I supposed to do about it?!

I’m not sure but I have taken a few small steps in case you are interested or suffering from the same ailment:

1. I sat with two handsome men last night and watched three hours of ABC TV. We also ate Halloween Oreos. I highly recommend this.

2. I bought a gallon of yellow paint for my bedroom. I will begin slathering it on my walls sometime this weekend.

3. I called out of work today.

4. I whined on mah blog.

5. I had Peanut Butter puffins for dinner.

I am going to get in the shower and make myself look presentable as the roommate and I have tickets to see Alanis Morissette at Radio City tonight. I’m hoping she will help me out a bit and make me feel something. ISN’T IT IRONIC, ALANIS? ISN’T???

I’m sad to be missing the debate tonight but I will catch up on it when I get home. It’s all giving me a headache anyway. I don’t discuss politics and economics for a reason–they do not interest me and they just make me upset. I mean, okay, don’t freak out. I am interested in how it affects me and my family. I’m interested when useless people hold positions of power and make things difficult and YES OKAY, I am taking notice of the bailout and of Sarah Palin and the mortgage crisis…BUT, I am not really interested in debating it with you.

Does this make sense? Even if we agree, I just get bored. And trust me, YOU will get bored. I think other people are more articulate than me on this subject (see also: my older brother) and I’d rather listen to a conversation than join in one myself because, if you haven’t noticed, I don’t speak English particularly well. I learn a lot more listening to people discuss it than attempting to sputter out how I feel. ALL THAT ASIDE: I am bummed to be missing the BIG! DEBATE! and I look forward to viewing it later but oh for the love of God, please don’t expect me to have anything intelligent to say about it afterwards.

So, Alanis and I are gonna belt our brains out tonight and I’m wearing a new dress, so what could go wrong!?

Answer: NOTHING.

Wish me luck, folks. I’m off to conquer the world the only way I know how–like a rockstar.