Leaning Toward the Left
A few weeks ago, I went to Starbucks and ordered a pumpkin spice latte. I rarely order any of their specialty drinks, usually terrified of all the extra calories and sugar but damnit if a pumpkin coffee drink didn’t sound like something I ABSOLUTELY NEEDED IN THAT MOMENT. So, I handed over my life savings and took an eager sip and…recoiled. Uh. Wow. That there is a sweet drink and after a few tastes, I’m pretty sure I developed at least four cavities.
I e-mailed my friend E who is a fabulous Starbucks barista extraordinaire and asked her if she could please instruct me how to order the pumpkin spice latte without all the…pumpkin spice? She e-mailed me back, nice as can be, telling me that the flavor comes from the sugary syrup and just to ask for less pumps of it in my drink. Then in paranthesis she wrote (Oh, and since you don’t drink milk, you’d need to order it like this…) and proceeded to spell out the correct way of ordering the entire drink.
This made me very happy because I KNOW Starbucks baristas and they always roll their eyes when people order things “incorrectly”.
“A medium…whipped…uh, a soy iced decaf…wait…”
I was proud that I was now equipped to order my deliciousness properly however, it took me about 3 days to memorize the drink order because apparently I AM VERY HIGH MAINTENANCE ABOUT THESE THINGS. I was a bit overwhelmed realizing just how precise I was going to have to be when ordering it. I thought of maybe just letting it go, it was too much work but sure enough the weather got cooler and OH! A PUMPKIN! COFFEE DRINK! PLEASE!
As I stood in the line at Starbucks a few days later, I was exchanging annoyed glances with the woman in front of me as the shop was understaffed and the people before us were ordering 10 drinks a piece.
“They should just let us enter our drinks electronically,” she said. “Wouldn’t that save so much time?”
“I suppose so…” I concurred, not really having any opinion at all.
“I mean, geez. Not to mention these people and their drinks! I mean it’s just so ridiculous how specific people get.”
“Isn’t it?” I sighed.
“It is! It’s just really unnecessary and pretentious.”
And then she stepped forward and ordered a “tall skim latte” please and then flashed me a grin as if to say, “Look how normal I am!”
And then I stepped forward and said, “Hello. I would like a grande no whip soy two pump pumpkin spice latte please.”
And the woman in front of me fell over and died.
And my head exploded.
And you know what? The pumpkin spice latte wasn’t pumpkiny ENOUGH. I feel like my magic number might be three pumps. Now I have to go back and TRY IT AGAIN.
…
The other night, I walked in the door, dropped my bag onto a dining room chair with a huff and proceeded to remove my clothes. My roommate entered the kitchen to chat and watched me as I pulled my shirt off over my head. I had kept my sweater on for the walk from the subway and it was a little too warm for that not to mention the Starbucks drink I was sipping which had raised my temperature quite a bit.
“You know,” said my roommate slowly as I stood there in my bra, “You’re going to have to stop doing that soon.”
“What?”
“Taking off your clothes in the living room?”
“But I’m hot!”
“I know. But…our subletter’s coming soon.”
“So what?”
“So…he’s straight.“
Pause.
“Oh.”
“Yeah. Sucks.”
“What about my pants? Do I have to keep those on?”
“LAURA.”
“Sorry. It’s just. Ugh. STRAIGHT PEOPLE ARE SO ANNOYING.”
…
I feel like, when the Republicans rant and rave about people living in big cities that have no religion and no morals…
They are probably talking about me, standing in my underwear in my living room in New York City, drinking a $50 seasonal Starbucks latte. Keep your kids far away from me is all I’m saying. I am what is wrong with this country. YES I AM.
Trust me, your drink is not pretentious. Especially if you frequent the same starbucks, they’ll start to learn it and really not care, as long as you’re nice to them and drop a nice tip in the jar (do it often enough and they’ll probably hook you up occassionally).
When I worked upstate, I never minded making Lucy’s iced decaf venti four pump skim no whip mocha because she was sweet and tipped well. Its customers like “iced venti americano no water extra ice topped off with iced coffee” who are assholes every time they order that we mind. Not to mention I can’t stop saring at his shitty toupee
Hahaha! Three pumps is definitely the way to go. The problem is that when people order flavored lattes at work, I automatically give them fewer pumps than standard because I think it tastes better and then they’re like, “Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm this was supposed to have sugar-free hazelnut in it????????????”
And then I have to punch them and that’s so annoying.
Wow. I have never been so happy to not drink coffee before… So I’m that person that used to be, “Um, can I just have a bottle of water?” when the whole group decided to go to get coffee. But now I know that plastic bottles are the devil, and so I just take my Sigg and all is well in the world.
To me, you sound more like what is RIGHT with this world!! We need more people like you.
Heck, what do I know…I’m from Oregon
hehe
Cheers!!
I can’t wait to be reunited with you.
-Laura’s Camera
Oh Laura~
Republicans rant and rave about us both. Now they rant and rave about us from afar, they used to rant and rave about me to my face. NO MORE! Yay for living in a big city! May we both live with the gays and drink alot of coffee!
ps~that camera comment is too funny. can’t believe you still have not gotten it back.
E – Omg that last customer sounds like an asshat! And thank you for reminding me to tip. I overhear a lot of people in Starbucks saying that the drinks are so expensive, why would they tip? I think that negates the fact that 1) they CHOOSE to frequent Starbucks in the first place and B) you guys are just doing your job
Laurie – I love that you make the drink the way you think it should be. I would do that if I worked in the coffee world. HILARIOUS
Abbie – I WANT A SIGG. Isn’t it a crime that I don’t have one? YIKES!
Heather – Thank you. I like to think I am right w/ the world too.
My Camera – WE WILL BE TOGETHER SOON MY LOVE!
Alayna – Yeah dude, that last comment was JK. He textd Deb for me last night and was all, “I AM SO LONELY WITHOUT LAURA, PLEASE TAKE ME BACK TO HER.” HA HA HA! Debbie finally responded so hopefully I’ll have it next time I see my parents. Blah! Am naked without my camera! And in my living room in general!
Let me reiterate: Plastic. Bottles. Are. The. Devil.