I’m not the best communicator. Can I just say that? This is especially true in situations where I am attempting to communicate feelings that make me uncomfortable, like anger or hurt or resentment. I tend to clam up and not speak at all. I’ll sit, fuming for days, without making mention of it and then it will all come hurtling out of my mouth and I doubt it sounds very nice coming out like that.

The thing is…I don’t think I can excuse myself with an “I’m sorry! I’m not good at talking! I’d rather write you a letter! Or a blog post! Cheers!” I would PREFER to write out my thoughts in a neat little notebook and then read them aloud to you when I am ready but holy, I think I am enough of a tool as it is. It’s time to suck it up and learn how to speak.

In real life, in the real world, people talk and communicate and share what’s on their mind, whether it’s good or bad. I’m in my mid-20′s and there really is no excuse for being awkward about this. And yet, I am. STILL. STILL!!! After over a year of therapy, I am still internalizing anger and hurt because I “don’t think it matters” when I’m taken advantage of. I will take responsibility for my feelings AND yours AND your mom’s AND your mom’s sister because that way no one will be upset and we will all be happy while I sit seething in the corner taking everyone’s shit.

I am trying to be patient with myself but it’s hard. The only way to learn to communicate my needs properly is to practice. To actually speak up and tell my roommate, “I love you tons and tons but sometimes I wish you would remember to buy toilet paper,” instead of maybe vomiting up a thousand things he’s done wrong over the past few months that have frustrated me or gotten on my nerves. Hello to my future husband: You are in for a real treat, living with me! HA!

But oh man, dude. It’s not funny. I need to learn the basic skills of confrontation. It is not a bad thing to be upset with someone, it is normal. Anger is a justifiable emotion, frustration too and yeah, okay, usually I don’t mind picking up toilet paper but when I’m really in a pissy mood, my GOD does it seem like the most IMPORTANT THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. Especially because I’m a girl and uh, I need it every time I go. So, that is kind of part of it.

I think my lack of communication skills has really gotten me into some trouble in romantic relationships as well as friendships. I don’t quite say what I mean whether in a fight or when ending the relationship. Therefore, I rarely ever get what I want. I worry so much about the other person’s feelings, about how I might hurt them, about what they might think of me. I sometimes try to be so tactful that “I’m sorry, I don’t think we’re compatible” comes out like “YOU ARE SO GREAT AND SO NICE AND FABULOUS AND THERE’S PROBABLY A LOT WRONG WITH ME SINCE I DON’T LIKE YOU THAT MUCH. I MEAN. I LIKE YOU A LOT! I MEAN, WHAT? OF COURSE I WILL KEEP DATING YOU FOR A FEW MORE WEEKS! HA! WHY NOT?”

And then the relationship continues even though I didn’t want it to. What follows is a lovely sense of resentment toward my partner that deepens every single day for “keeping me” in that situation when HELLO, LAURA, YOU CAN LEAVE ANYTIME. The relationship only ends when I am so miserable I am crying myself to sleep every night and can’t help but finally blurt out “OKAY I WOULD LIKE TO BREAK UP WITH YOU BECAUSE I KIND OF HATE YOU A LOT.” Or, uh, some such version of that.

This is, of course, an extreme example but a common one. And this is how my lack of communication skills really ends up biting me in the ass: by trying to protect their feelings and stay in a relationship I do not want to be in, I end up hurting them ten times more in the end. If I simply said after a few weeks or months, “Hey, I’m not so into this. I think we should part ways,” I might actually be on speaking terms with more than one ex-boyfriend at the current moment. But I’m not.

I think my relationships end so badly because I lead that person to believe I feel a certain way when I really don’t. I’m not being true to myself and therefore, am not being completely honest. This is not INTENTIONAL, just unfortunate. My therapist suggested that maybe I come on very strong. Not in a “PLZ MARRY ME KTHX” kind of way but in a bubbly, energetic, open way which is just me by nature. He suggested that I make the other person feel very special and cared for. So, essentially, the guy is like “WOAH THIS GIRL DIGS ME!” whereas I think I am just being polite.

Is this the worst thing you’ve ever read in your life? Ugh. I want to punch myself in the face.

Anyway, my therapist suggested maybe toning down the HIIIII I’M LAURAAAAAAA I AM SO PERKY AND EXCITED TO BE AROUND YOU attitude towards the beginning of my next relationship. (As if I am ever dating again, HA HA HA HA THERAPIST! YOU ARE HILARIOUS!) Since I’m not purposefully being manipulative or dishonest, there really isn’t anything WRONG with coming on as open as I do. But maybe, for the sake of the boy involved, I could be a bit more cautious so they don’t get the idea that I am rapidly falling in love with them. (Unless of course, I am, which, wouldn’t that be fun!?)

And so, wow. Today, at my therapy session, I brought up all this stuff plus other stuff plus more stuff, yes probably about you, yes, you. I have been bottling up so many things and I apparently have been FURIOUS with people for a very long time. And yes, okay, they are taking advantage of me but dude, word, I am ALLOWING THAT TO HAPPEN. It doesn’t take much to make it stop; it isn’t a hard thing to fix. I guess I am kind of hating myself for being such a damn pushover and for not being as articulate as I need to be and for always putting other people first.

After I got angry, I stared crying because, wow, how sad is this? I can patch things up with my roommate and some other friends that are pissing me off lately. That’s fine. But in terms of relationships, if I sum up all that I’ve analyzed here, it sounds like I am a total basketcase. Because I am such a lovable, open, happy, caring person, boys tend to like me a lot. And because they like me a lot and are generally awesome, I genuinely care for these men, even if I don’t want to date them longterm. But it’s too late, because somewhere down the line, they got the impression that we were going to be committed together for life. And then I break up with them and am all apologetic like, “It’s not you, it’s me, I’m so sorry, please don’t hate me, etc.” and then those boys get ANNNNNNNGRY.

I believe the anger stems from obvious heartbreak and hurt but also from maybe a feeling of being misled. And so their once mushy feelings of love toward me turn to bitterness and resentment. This is why I am on speaking terms with almost no one that I’ve ever dated. They never forgive me and they never forget and sure, they move on, I’m sure some would even laugh to read this for thinking that I care but, ow. Essentially, I am getting punished for being a loving person and HOW IS THAT FAIR?

It isn’t.

But until I learn to openly communicate to people how I’m feeling, this is going to be a cycle that never ends. First, I need to forgive myself for errors that I’ve made, wrong signals that I’ve sent, happy shiny Laura coming on too strong and giving the wrong impression. Then, I need to stop blaming myself for being a terrible person. I’m not a terrible person, I’m just learning. Next, I need to allow the men to take responsibility for their own feelings. Yes, I made some mistakes but OH MAH GOD so did they. And that falls on them, not on me.

I’m hoping I can be more open in the future with all of my relationships. I want to be able to truthfully say, “I had a really nice time tonight” instead of saying it while thinking, “You bore me to tears.” I’d like to one day be able to say, “I really don’t think we’re right for each other” instead of saying, “Let’s try dating for a year just so I don’t hurt your feelings.” And I’d like to tell my roommate that even though I buy toilet paper way too damn much, I still love him and I didn’t mean it when I said he doesn’t ever vacuum. I don’t either.

The End.