Crippled
“I can’t feel my wrist,” I said to my friend, Wito.
“What? Laura! Oh my God, that’s BAD.”
“It is? I mean, yeah. I guess it is.”
“GO TO THE DOCTOR.”
“I don’t have health insurance.”
“GO TO THAT FREE ACTOR’S CLINIC.”
“Only if you vote for Sarah Palin.”
“NOT FUNNY.”
Over the course of the past few weeks, I could no longer hold my iPod or my cellphone for very long without my wrist freaking out completely. However, after googling “Carpal Tunnel Syndrome” and finding out that the first symptom was numbness, I thought I was in the clear. Until, well, it actually went numb. And I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced prolonged numbness, but it’s kind of hard to ignore. So, uh, there’s that.
By the way, do not google medical conditions if you can help it. I ignored the many warnings.
“Okay,” said James. “Go to the doctor but please just don’t google it.”
“What? I haven’t.”
“LAURA.”
“What?”
“I KNOW YOU. DO NOT GOOGLE IT.”
“I know! I would, like, uh, I would never do that!”
“YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?”
“Um…”
“Laura!”
“I’m sorry but NOW I AM TOTALLY FREAKED AND I THINK THEY ARE GOING TO AMPUTATE MY RIGHT HAND!”
“Sigh.”
And so it was that I dragged myself back to the uninsured haven that is the Actor’s Fund clinic. My right hand had been aching for over two weeks and had started going numb over this past weekend. On Saturday night, I sat on the twins’ couch and iced it while watching The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford which is the longest movie that was ever made. I figured if putting ice on it THAT LONG didn’t help, something was seriously off.
It is worthy to note that after I explained my symptoms to the doctor, he flat out asked me, “Have you googled Carpal Tunnel?”
I thought it was a trick question but I didn’t want to lie so I guiltily said, “Yes.”
And he said, “Oh good! So you know what’s going on here…”
“OF COURSE I DO BECAUSE GOOGLE IS VERY INFORMATIVE AND DID NOT FREAK ME OUT AT ALL!”
After moving my wrist a certain way and after he tapped on a few places, I knew I was kind of in trouble. “Yes. Um. That would be my fingers, going totally numb right now.”
He asked me if anything had happened that would bring this on so suddenly.
Did I fall? HA HA HA! Surprisingly, no!
Did I injure it in anyway? Um, not that I know of! And if I had, I’m sure I would’ve blogged about it!
And so, for unknown reasons or for many reasons, my right wrist has given up on me. I don’t know if it’s my excessive computer use or the weird way I bend my wrist back when talking on the phone or the seven years of piano lessons or all of it but my body, at the ripe old age of 25 is giving me the middle finger. Well, my left hand is giving me the middle finger anyway.
Diagnosis: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Prescription: thirty days of twice-a-day anti-inflammatory pills plus a splint when I sleep. SEXY.
“Best case scenario,” said the lovely blue-eyed doctor. “Is that this goes away in thirty days never to return again.”
“GREAT!!!!!!!” I yelled.
“Well,” sighed the doctor. “Most likely scenario: this lessens in thirty days and then flares up again at certain moments.”
“Okay,” I muttered, rather glumly.
“But you’ll know how to treat it now, just take an anti-inflammatory and put the splint on until it subsides.”
“That blows.”
“Worst case scenario,” started the doctor.
“DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO THERE WITH ME?” I asked.
“Well. I think you should know.”
“I HOPE IT INVOLVES CUPCAKES.”
“No. Unfortunately, the worst case scenario is that this doesn’t get better and you need surgery.”
“YOU HAVE TO AMPUTATE MY HAND?!!!! OMG. I KNEW IT. WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? Will you give me anesthesia before you slice it off? Or do I need to bite down on a bullet? Because let me tell you something, I’m not excited about losing my right hand but I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BITE DOWN ON A BULLET.”
“No, Laura, wait. Woah. Surgery is very easy, you don’t even have to go under completely.”
“You just SLICE MY HAND OFF WHILE I WATCH!?!?!?!?!?!”
“NO NO. My goodness, no. We are not going to amputate your hand! We would just go in through the wrist and cut the tissue.”
“YOU WOULD CUT MY WRIST OPEN?!?!?!”
“Yes! Just a tiny cut and look, that’s just the worst case scenario, this could totally go away in thirty days.”
“I THINK I WOULD PREFER AN AMPUTATION PLEASE.”
So, I’m keeping my hand for now but I am very very angry with it. I’m so lucky to be able to go to that clinic as I am currently uninsured which, you know, OBAMA: HOOK ME UP PLEASE. Until then, I’m going to go take a shower and then wear my very attractive wrist splint and show up late to work as a cripple. Please send money and cupcakes. KTHXBYE.
Laura, I had the beginning stages of CTS when I was your age (I’m 48 now), and I only wore the splint/brace thingee at night LOOSELY, and my wrists healed nicely. That would be my recommendation…no need to wear it during the day, unless you really want to. But wear it loosely at night to keep your circulation flowing and allow the inflammation to go down.
And get a headset for your cellphone.
A couple of years ago my hand was doing something similar.
When I went to my chiropractor for my monthly adjustment, I mentioned what was happening to my hand with him.
He gave me good advice…
First—he adjusted a few of the bones in my hand with a pen-sized instrument. It did not hurt, although it did make an interesting popping noise. ( The instrument, not my hand-bones.)
He advised that I lay off the computer for a while—and take a break from sewing—anything that made me use those muscles repetitively.
Then, when I went in for my monthly adjustments, I had him adjust my hand too.
I recovered very quickly and averted the surgery.
Maybe your chiropractor can help you?
Crap. After reading that and my wrist hurts now. Damn you!
Thanks everyone! My uncle is a chiropractor and I plan on scheduling an appointment as soon as I can–he definitely has that pen-sized instrument, I know exactly what you’re talking about! I’m still in a lot of pain but am hoping it will subside soon.
How can you live in the US and not have insurance? (That was rhetorical.)
I DO NOT KNOW ABBIE!
I must be some kind of freak or something.
We didn’t have health insurance growing up. My mom stayed home with us and my dad worked on our farm and as a builder. Now he’s more builder than farmer, at least that’s where the money is.
Anyway, I know what a struggle it was for my parents to pay for our medical care. I remember my mom confessing to the receptionist at the doctor’s office that we didn’t have insurance and that she would pay with a check. It was always embarassing, like “You DON’T have INSURANCE???” Anyway, we pretty much only went to the doctor when there was a physical required for the school or sports, or when we were REALLY hurt. Then my dad started building houses for some doctors and we’d tend to go to them at their houses, were they’d give us free advice or even treatment. Once, I broke my nose on a trampoline (I know… I was in high school, too) and even though it was clearly broken and I had two black eyes and the worst bloody nose imaginable, we still didn’t go to the doctor. I just took some tylenol or something.
How is it that we have such wonderful medical care available and yet so many people can’t afford to get what they need? It says a lot about our country.