Some great people have been writing about the change in the weather. I seem to recall many past Augusts, full of humidity and perspiration, sundresses and record-breaking heat. This year, it feels like September has arrived early. It feels summery in the middle of the day but cool and crisp at night and in the early morning during my jogs. Yesterday, I went running in long pants and a sweatshirt. I felt so awake.

I wonder if this will disappear as soon as it came and if the mercury will climb again into an extended Indian summer. Last year, the heat seemed suspended forever, making me wonder if fall was ever going to show up. Now, it seems as if the next season is so excited that it can’t help appearing early. I can honestly say that I couldn’t more pleased, as autumn seems to bring out the best in me.

We’ve been doing a lot of evaluation lately, my friends and I. With quite a few birthdays hovering around, there’s been a bit of pensive reflection, a taking stock of all that has transpired and all that has yet to be. Every few months, with the change of seasons, I seem to do the same. I get the itch to clean, to compartmentalize, to look at my life and see what isn’t working. What have I learned? How can I improve? Where do I go next and how do I get there?

I have lived in my apartment over three years. Three years ago this past May, I moved in, a naïve, energized girl, thrilled to be on her own in the big city, envisioning that things would mostly be easy. A career would materialize effortlessly, people would instantaneously like me, acting jobs would flow, friendships would sustain, relationships would last.

It’s an understatement to say that I have grown up quite a bit since then. I wouldn’t classify me as bitter or jaded at all but there is a pragmatism I have matured into, a realization, an awareness. I have learned so much about me. The annoying cliché of a twenty-something moving to a big city to find herself irritatingly applies to me.

Some of these lessons learned have been hands down, disgustingly awful. Who knew I had so many faults?! I make mistakes. Huge ones. I mistreat people without meaning to, I sometimes manipulate the truth to my advantage, I care too much what other people think, I am a terrible auditioner, I gossip a lot, I don’t always see both sides, I am often incredibly vain, I am horrible at returning phone calls and even worse at keeping in touch. Also, if you tell me to meet you at 7 PM, I will show up at 7:08. I don’t plan it that way; it just always seems to happen like that.

But there have also been glorious revelations. Some of them are so surprising. Despite my apparent social ease, I am actually incredibly introverted. Group activities make me anxious and exhausted. I don’t enjoy being loud or drawing attention to myself in public and even if I’m dating someone I really enjoy, I usually always want to go home at some point and be alone. I sometimes suffer from anxiety, depression and issues with food.

My self-esteem which seemed to dissipate completely in my late teens has been steadily climbing. I feel like a stronger woman instead of a weak girl. I feel like I have something to say, something worth hearing. I am creative, I love to bake and pick out the perfect gift, I am witty and I will compliment your shoes if I think they are nice. I am observant and rarely miss anything–the writer that lives in my head is automatically scribbling down details as I talk to you. You may think I don’t notice. I do.

When I compare the girl I am now to the girl I was when I moved here, I am astounded. I really am morphing into some vague version of an adult. I still trip over my feet and smack my head on things and there are still people in the world who find me incredibly annoying or dull. But…now? I am kind of okay with all that. I am klutzy but I am spirited, I can be awkward but I can be enjoyable. I’m twenty-five years old and I feel like anything can happen to me, anything at all.

I have been clearing out our closets and drawers, repainting, retouching, making room for new things. I’d like to think I can do this metaphorically as well as literally. I am once again clearing out the chaos so that better things can come inside and bring me joy, maybe teach me something about myself.

Autumn makes me feel affectionate and cozy, alive and authentic. I’d like a new set of crayons, some new pairs of tights, a mug of cider, a fire in the fireplace. As the summer winds down, I feel hopeful for the change of seasons. I’m so grateful to be growing and maturing, to be touched by people, to live in an environment that challenges me and makes me want to become more aware, softer, sweeter, more honest and true. And really, I couldn’t ask for anything more than that.