I’m with Owen and River today which is odd because it means I took the day off work to work. It’s complicated. I digress.

I already got yelled at by two ladies who work for the Battery Park City Conservancy. These women are completely ridiculous and drive around on little golfcarts all day wearing ugly pale blue shirts pretending they have an actual job to do. And yes, I get it, you are conserving the parks. I take you and your authority very seriously.

They accused me of not watching my children because the twins were picking leaves off the ground while I pushed an empty stroller and let them explore. We were on a NATURE WALK and it was KIND OF AWESOME until I was rudely interrupted by haters.

“HEY LADY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD WATCH YOUR KIDS. YOU CAN’T JUST LET THEM PICK LEAVES AND FLOWERS OUT OF OUR GARDENS.”

Oh. You mean the dead branches they picked up off the ground and the one huge hibiscus flower River plucked before I told him not to? Oh, that? Yes. I see what you mean. This is serious, definitely a situation that calls for yelling at me in public. I love being accosted on a beautiful day by two bitter people. In fact, I live for it.

I explained to them that I was indeed watching my children and also, could you please lay off the judgment of my parenting skills? They tried to continue bitching at me until I flew inexplicably off the handle and started ranting about supporting each other as mom’s and as females and that I could DO WITHOUT THEIR CONDESCENDING TONE AND RIDICULOUS BATTERY PARK NAZI WAYS. POINT TAKEN. NO MORE FLOWER PICKING. MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU COULD USE A LITTLE UNDERSTANDING AND COMPASSION. I’M NOT HAVING THE GREATEST DAY.

I actually said that. It was so out of character for me to actually stand up for myself that I started shaking and crying as I walked away. After thinking about it later, I was kind of awed at how defensive I became. I mean, I went ballistic super mom crazy and THESE AREN’T EVEN MY CHILDREN.

In other news, during quiet time today AKA “Let’s All Sit On Our Beds And Shut Up Thank You”, I was reading “Where The Wild Things Are”, the boys’ current favorite book.

Me, Reading Aloud: ‘And now’, cried Max, ‘Let the wild rumpus start!’

The next three pages are full of pictures of Max and the wild things cavorting in a weird way that strikes me as almost sexual and inappropriate and I decided to add my own commentary since there aren’t any written words.

Me: See, now Max and the wild things are dancing.

River: No. They’re not.

Me: What? Yes, they are, dude. They are parading around and dancing and having a grand old time.

River: No.

Me: Okay, fine. What are they doing?

River: LAURA DLUG. THEY ARE RUMPUSING.

Oh. My bad.

And now, since Owen is singing Rihanna’s “Unfaithful” and River is trying to throw a football into the toilet, I’m guessing I should get back to work. And by work, I mean the boys and I are setting out to find the Battery Park Conservancy ladies and kick their ass into the Hudson River. Wish me luck.