Ciao, dudes. I CANNOT STOP EATING. Send help. And send it now.

In my defense, I climbed 463 steps to the top of the Duomo to look out on Florence. Maybe I cried. Maybe I didn’t. STOP JUDGING ME. I also took video. And I promise, you will not be disappointed. There may or may not also be video of me at a museum in Rome pointing to a sculpted lion and telling Alayna who is holding the camera that I have found the greatest piece of art in Italy: ASLAN.

Alayna and I took the train to Florence on Saturday night and naturally, we arrived at our destination only to find that the last train to the city centre stopped an hour before we got there.

Alayna: Um. I might panic now so I’m just going to stand here silently.

Me: I will now go ask that shopkeeper what the F we are doing.

Me (to shopkeeper): (speaking loud, for emphasis as he is a FOREIGNER): PARLE INGLESE?!?!!?

Shopkeeper: (warily): Yes.

Me: I need to get to Florence.

Shopkeeper: No train Florence. Stopped hour ago.

Me: Yes. So. What do I do?

Shopkeeper: Croissant?

Finally, after using my magical translation powers, I deduced that we needed to catch a bus to the city centre. We did. And then Florence and I made out. With tongue.

Things you should know:

I am greatly disappointed by the lack of gypsies. Everyone told me I was going to be attacked, raped, pickpocketed and eaten alive by gypsies. In Rome, Alayna and I noted maybe four. MAYBE. In Florence, they are more prevalent but still, the most they did was jingle a cup of change at me when I was waiting in line for one of the 10,000 churches I’ve seen today.

WHERE ARE THE GYPSIES? WHY ARE THEY NOT THROWING THEIR BABIES AT ME? You guys all lied to me and frankly, I don’t appreciate it. And now I just cursed myself by writing about it. I bet you tomorrow when I step off the train in Venice, five gypsy babies will come hurling through space, all aimed at my VERY TOURISTY head.

Also, here is what I can say in Italiano:

Two cups of tea!
Please!
Thank you!
Two biscotti please!
One night!
Church!
You’re welcome!
What time is it?
How much does it cost?
When?
Where?
More!
Less!
Half!
Enough!
One!
Two!
Three!
Five!
Seven!
Nine!
Ten!
OH MY GOD I LOVE ITALY FOREVERRRRRRRRRRR!

I am somewhat joking about the last part but if you give me a few minutes, I bet I can figure it out. Alayna and I try to learn a new phrase or set of phrases each day. Tonight, we will be studying the phrasebook’s chapter on ‘NIGHT LIFE’ which teaches you how to say:

Harder
Deeper
Faster
Is there something you should tell me before we start?

I think this last one is to figure out if the Italian man you are about to get naked with has an STD. I will be practicing on Alayna because I don’t want men to get the wrong idea about me. I am so impressed with my self knowledge because before this trip started I knew one phrase and that was ‘bagno’, the bathroom.

While talking to my friend at work, he suggested I look up the word for ‘diabetic’ since he is and thought I should know the translation. So I did. And it is ‘diabetici’. And so before I left for Italy, I was confident that I could point and ask where exactly was the sugar-free bathroom?

And now, since I’ve been here for 5 days, I can say:

Is there something you should tell me before we start? Like, where exactly is the two biscotti diabetic restroom? THANK YOU.