You guys! BIG NEWS.

I’ve diagnosed myself with Raynaud’s Phenomenon. I wanted you guys to be the first to know because, well, that’s the kind of deep love I have for people who read my blog. Thanks to google, you too can diagnose yourself with all kinds of diseases and conditions! Come on! Join in! It’s FUN!

For the past six months or so, every now and then, I would lose all feeling and color in a few of my fingers. I figured it was just one of the many symptoms of veganism that everyone keeps warning me about. Seriously. Okay. No one suggested this one in particular but I’d heard the usual stuff–protein deficiency, blindness, traumatic death, etc. and figured this was on the same level. In fact, for the first few months after I went vegan, my mom suggested it was the cause for just about everything.

Me: My CRAMPS! ARE SO BAD!

Mom: I think this veganism thing is making you devoid of nutrients.

Me: Nutrients like what?!

Mom: You know, nutrients that can be found in meat and cheese!

Me: Like…saturated fat and hormones??!?

So, I figured losing blood in my fingers was a direct result of giving up animal products, kind of like how now I’m bald. And too weak to tie my shoes. And I set people who wear fur coats on fire.

BUT ALAS! I WAS WRONG! Who knew?! Now, I have a PHENOMENON! Apparently not caused by anything in particular! Well. Maybe. Maybe I have this condition because I’m friends with The Homosexuals.

Anyway, last week, before philosophy class, I was on the phone with my cousin Tom.

Me: Dude, did you ever like, lose color in your fingers?

Tom: AND THEN I MADE THE MOST AMAZING DINNER WITH TRADER JOE’S MANDARIN ORANGE SAUCE AND IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!

Me: Like, I can’t feel certain appendages and they’re like white and kind of purple, you know?

Tom: AND I MIXED IT WITH BROCCOLI AND RICE AND SQUEEEEEEEEE!

Me: I’m…gonna go.

I asked the boy next to me in philosophy if it was totally weird that a few of my fingers were lacking circulation. It did not hurt that this boy was sort of dreamy and spoke with a Southern accent.

Dreamy Boy With Southern Accent: Laura, get your lil’ self the doctor, ya hear?

Okay, fine. He didn’t talk like that. But I can dream, can’t I?

Dreamy Boy With Southern Accent, Take 2: Laura, you need to see a doctor.

Me: What? Why? They’re just kind of pale and white.

DBWSA: Laura. DOCTOR.

Me: WHAT!?!? THEY ARE JUST *FINGERS*!!!

And since I don’t have health insurance, I did something more reliable. I GOOGLED IT.

And voila! Raynaud’s Phenomenon! Not too serious. Unless of course, it gets serious. And then, they cut your fingers off and THAT IS SERIOUS.

My favorite website went on and on about how Raynaud’s Phenomenon is usually caused by your occupation, namely, using a lot of vibrating tools.

Haaaaaa. The opportunity for a joke is just TOO PRICELESS. I will keep it clean.

You know how I get all crazy with my jack hammer! Woo boy!

So, I wanted you all to know, that along with being a bald, weak vegan, I now occasionally lose feeling in my fingers. Don’t worry, though. The color/blood/feeling always comes BACK. All I have to do is gnaw on raw cow intestines and faster than you can say SOYMILK!, I’m cured. Thank you, Dr. Google, for giving me one more thing to obsess over.

In His Name,
Laura