I’ve been meaning to post a few things about work, though I know it is not really intelligent to blog about work. And yet…and yet…I cannot resist a good story. So, boss, if you are finding this, I love you. Don’t fire me. Your taste in shoes is phenomenal!

1. For the first few weeks of work, I didn’t have a permanent seat. There simply wasn’t room. So every day, I would casually wander around the cube farms seeing who was out that day and then promptly settle in and work at their desk. It was a bit irritating and prevented me from feeling truly “at home” in the office. Though, does anyone truly feel home in the office?

Glad you asked. Someone does INDEED feel home in the office and this someone, I will heretofore refer to as “Sports Guy”. Sports Guy keeps a tall drinking glass near him at all times so that he can make iced coffee every morning from the company coffee machine. I do not know why this bothers me as I am a true fan of iced coffee myself and also a true fan of bringing in a glass from home. But…every day…even in the winter…there he is, in the kitchen, shaking up some ice.

He has bobble head dolls that live all the way around his cubicle and huge pendants hanging up as well, broadcasting the names of various sports teams. Even better, he’s an IT guy, so he spends most of his day pacing around his cubicle on his headset, loudly talking about technology issues and alternately inserting comments on “The Game” he saw last night. He once asked me if I saw The Game and I stared at him and silently blinked at him for so long that he felt uncomfortable and walked away.

Fortunately, I was rarely ever seated near Sports Guy. Alas, one time near this man is one time too many and I am scarred for life. My favorite accidental encounter with Sports Guy was the conversation I heard where he was retelling the guys around me about a first date with a VEGETARIAN. “And I swear, man, I ordered the steak on PURPOSE! I mean, what kind of person doesn’t eat meat?!” Oh, I don’t know, Sports Guy, maybe some hot young admin who doesn’t watch “The Game”. Just sayin’.

2. Due to the aforementioned lack of space, we are moving. Next Tuesday, my group will head to a new office in a new part of town and honestly kids, I’m not excited. I’m in SUCH A GOOD PLACE right now and auditioning from the new place is going to take some major time and blah blah blah the real reason I don’t want to move is that I AM IN CHARGE OF THIS MOVE. (Of course I am! I love responsibility! Tra la! Give me a blackberry. NOW.)

This means that I am constantly fielding questions about who is sitting where and can I pack up my plants in the moving box? and who is sitting next to me? and how far away is the kitchen from my cubicle? And hey, Laura, do you think these pants are office appropriate?

Dude. I don’t KNOW. And furthermore, I don’t CARE. I was recently informed that someone in my group will have to occupy a different space, far away from the rest of us since the current person over there needs a few extra days. I lightly asked if maybe that person could occupy the empty space so we can move in all together? I got an email back telling me that said person has certain sensitivities to her current location and cannot be asked to move.

Um. Okay. Good. Well. I have certain sensitivities too. A very severe sensitivity, an allergy if you will and that is, of course, a very high intolerance for corporate tools. I did not get an email back when I pointed this out. Weird.

3. Today, I attended a meeting entitled “Lunch & Learn” where we met in the executive board room to, you guessed it! Lunch! And LEARN! It would’ve been decent had they not been serving pizza and not been tryin’ to learn me about a new IT program. Dude. If there’s one thing I don’t care about, it’s IT. The Greatest Hits of 1986? Now THERE’S a lecture I want to hear. Technology Improvements To Our Feedback System? Not so much. I listened for awhile as someone blathered on about FA’s and IT and blah blah and then I zoned out and looked fifty floors below me and tried to count the Duane Reades.

I did, however, happen to be looking at the powerpoint screen when the presenter pulled up his personal email to show an example. Lo and behold, a few messages down, was an email in his inbox from Sports Guy with the subject line “FW: DAILY DILBERT”. I looked at Sports Guy to see if he was embarrassed about this but instead, he was biting his lower lip while simultaneously grinning and giving a thumbs up to the guy across from him.

Dude. You guys e-mail each other the DAILY DILBERT. I feel like even now, as I’m blogging this, no one’s going to believe me because it is such a freaking cliche. It was at this moment that I turned to a coworker of mine and asked, “Are you kidding me with this?!”

He replied, “With what? I wasn’t listening. Hey, do you know you can see three Duane Reades from here?” Further reinforcing my theory that people in a corporate setting rarely ever do any actual work. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here, talking on my headset, packing up my sports paraphernalia in perparation for the Big Corporate Move ’08 and crying silently in my chair because man, I just have such sensitivities to my current environment.