My stomach has been off lately.

This is nothing new, really. I have a very sensitive stomach. And no, I have not eaten any cheese.

For the past three days, at random times throughout the day, I don’t want to do anything but throw up EVERYWHERE.

I came out of the subway on Monday morning and I swear that the only thing my body wanted to do was run over to the nearest garbage can and surrender the contents of my stomach.

Except it never actually happens. Which is unfortunately, kind of anti-climactic! I get super super close, say, maybe paused over the public garbage can in hopeful expectation? And then the nausea dissolves. And I straighten myself up and look around kind of embarrassed because, I don’t know, I just launched my body over a garbage can in Times Square, HEYYYYYYYYYYYY! JUST KIDDING! I thought I accidentally, um, threw my bag away and I was just…making sure…um. Hm. So, it’s awkward and then I just walk on over to work like nothing is wrong in the slightest.

And then I get hungry.

So I drink a little water and then I eat something…pita bread, an apple, a pear, some soup.

And about fifteen minutes after this occurs, my body is all, OH MA GOD! LET’S RUN TO THE BATHROOM AND HURRRRRRRL.

But I don’t.

I get to the toilet and my body is all, JUST KIDDIN’ FOOL!

And I walk back to my desk.

And I blink a few times.

And then I think, HMMMMM. I’M HUNGRY.

Rinse. Repeat.

Thoughts on this?

I know, I know. Your immediate reaction is one that would give my mother a heart attack (or cause her to whoop for joy, who knows): LAURA SWEETIE! YOU ARE HAVIN’ A BABY! Morning sickness! Hoorah! But that would be physically impossible for many reasons. One major reason is the fact that I am successfully about halfway through my 6 Months Without Tongue Kissing Any Boys Pledge. The other major reason has something to do with the fact that this morning, my uterus is causing me to alternately grip my desk and chair in agony. Sometimes I even put my head down on the desk and practice some deep breathing.

Uterus, old girl, why so cruel?

So we can rule out the most obvious suggestion which, can I actually confess, kind of makes me sad because I’ve been thinking for the past month or so about how I would like to have a baby sometime soon?

DOES THAT FREAK ANYONE ELSE OUT!???????

I am so serious. I feel myself getting to the point where it doesn’t actually seem like the worst idea in the history of the world. It might actually seem like a GOOD one. Let me rephrase this before I die of a heart attack. What I’m saying is. It used to be that people having babies were SOOO OLD and SOOO MATURE and SOOO WHATEVER. And now I think that instead of that being 15 years away it is a little bit closer…say…12 1/2?

And then I think about the fact that maybe if I was pregnant, my feet would stretch out and never go back to their pretty size 7’s and I would have to throw all my pretty shoes out.

And you guys? I’m not ready to do that. So. No babies for now. Perhaps a puppy in the not-too-distant future?

So. If it’s not baby hormones, WHAT IS MAKING ME SICK?

Let’s make a list because I am a Type A and very good at those.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME FEEL LIKE PUKING
by Laura Elizabeth

1. Raw Ground Beef
2. Ricotta Cheese
3. Caffeine
4. Really big auditions
5. First dates
6. Singing a song in an audition that I have never sang before (NOT THAT I WOULD EVER GO IN UNPREPARED. NEVER. NO.)
7. A bagel with creamcheese and tomato. (This used to be one of my favorite things ever but it was the last thing I ate before I was hit with the Seven Day Stomach Virus of 2005 so…I still can’t handle it.)
8. Vodka
8b.) Some vodka is okay, I’m talking about the 6-Martinis-In-One-Night kind of vodka. (Not that I ever did that in college one time…hi mom! I wasn’t out drinking! I was at church!)
9. Seeing someone else throwing up (I saw it happen. Sitting across from me on the SUBWAY. Oh Lord.)
10. Reading in the car (This is a new one since it never bothered me as a young child! Ah! My youth!)
11. The way my uterus feels right now, CALM YE SELF, UTERUS OLD GIRL. A BABY YE SOON SHALL HAVE. (Just kidding mom! Gimme 8 years or so! Thanks!)
12. Stress (see also, the first lead in a play I had in college and how I could not eat for a week without throwing up! MMMM delicious stress!)
13. Zinc
14. When anyone looks at me with a serious face or calls me on the phone with a serious voice and says, “I need to talk to you.”
15. MY UTERUS RIGHT NOW SERIOUSLY! Why are my reproductive organs always so angry with me?! I swear I’ll treat you right, baby. Gimme another chance.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back because I just realized that this list could go on and on forever and ever Amen.

Point is, something is going on with the tummy and I want to know exactly what it is.

Am I nauseated because my stomach is empty?

Am I nauseated because my stomach is full?

Am I nauseated from the decaf coffee I started bringing with me to work in the morning?

Am I nauseated from the Thai vegetable curry I ate on Sunday?

Am I stressed about something on a subconscious level?

Do I have a little “bug” or virus in my intestines that has not worked itself out? (see also, vegetable curry)

Am I pregnant with Adam Levine’s lovechild? (*CROSSES FINGERS*)

Should I get a puppy and hide it from my landlord?

Should I suck it up already and go find some Midol?

These are the questions I turn to you for, Internet. Don’t let me down.