Thursday, on the subway, there was a lady sitting across from me holding a Puma bag. I began to think that I wanted a Puma bag, should totally get a Puma bag for my gym gear, am totally getting buff at the gym, I should really go more often, I totally would if I had that Puma bag and then…

OH MY GOD.

THAT LADY JUST THREW UP.

She threw up! Right across from me! All over the floor! Ick!

Everyone immediately got up and moved away from her but I just sat and stared because holy, wow, ew. Luckily, the lady next to me had a roll of paper towels in her bag (what? How!?) and helped the woman clean herself up. They placed sheets of the paper towel down on the floor to cover the…bodily fluids. Turns out the woman was pregnant. And totally mortified. Poor dear.

So I did what any normal person would do. I offered her a stick of Wrigley’s Spearmint gum. And she took it. Some of my friends said that this was offensive, that by doing this, I was kind of telling the lady that her breath smelled. I say I was just being a moral citizen. Don’t YOU want a stick of gum after YOU vomit on the 3 train somewhere between 50th and 66th Street? Just saying.

My philosophy class this morning got a little heavy, as philosophy classes are wont to do. I wasn’t sure I was going to dig the whole idea of a 10-week “Who Am I?” “What’s My Purpose?” “What Am I Doing On Earth?” kind of class. This is because I spend every single second of my life wondering these questions, especially the last one except I usually phrase it differently, like, for example, “What Am I Doing In Queens?”

In fact, on my way back from class today, I kept asking that same question over and over again, since the school is on 79th between Madison and 5th Avenue and it was a beautiful spring day and I walked down Park Avenue to the subway and DEAR PARENTS: WHY DID YOU NEVER INVEST IN NYC REAL ESTATE? WHY WHY WHY? Sigh. Why must I always have to swim upstream?

Anyway, I REALLY enjoyed class today though I must admit, it made my brain hurt. The pressing question that was stirred up in class today concerns the idea of enlightenment. (The class did not bring this specific question up, namely, it’s something that I just kind of wonder about on my own and feel too stupid to actually wonder outloud in a classroom setting.) We were talking, albeit briefly, on those certain individuals who have achieved total serenity and who constantly live in the moment and do not concern themselves with stress or past or future or worry. These people have found inner peace or are just very wise or very enlightened or very philosophical, whatever. At the very least, they are very calm.

My question is: Is that even NATURAL?

As humans, aren’t we meant to experience joy and pain and anger and jealousy and intestinal difficulties?

As an actor, I have a hard time accepting that my ultimate GOAL in life should be a state of serenity. (And again, that’s not what this class is about, it was just touched upon lightly this morning.) I don’t like the idea of total serenity or peace or whatever at all. I think because I’m equating the phrase “total enlightenment” with “feeling emotion”. And I WANT to feel emotions because they make me feel alive. I’m not sure how I would get through the day if I were just floating happily by, totally at ease with everyone around me. The fact is, I’m NOT at ease sometimes and I feel like that’s okay and that if I WERE at total ease, I would be bored or, at the very least, have NOTHING to blog about. Tragedy!

So where’s the line between finding happiness and enlightenment and just living your life the best you can? I don’t know. It just seems that we’re told that our goal in life should be to find HAPPINESS. And I’m not quite sure why. We’re pressured to fall in love, so we can get married and be HAPPY! Or make lots of money and feel security and be HAPPY! What? Why? I don’t think it’s natural to be happy all the time.

And let’s face it, you are talking to one chipper young lady. I believe that most people in high school wanted to punch me in the face, just to get me to stop smiling. BUT COME ON! I listened to showtunes and praised the good Lord Jesus Christ. Why would I not smile? Smiling is good. I get that. I want to be happy too, I do. But all the time happy happy joy joy? Um. I’m not sure.

I understand wanting to find peace in a hectic world. Hell, I’m in a practical philosophy class so obviously, I’m looking for SOMETHING. I understand living in the moment and the importance of being present. These are things, especially as an actor, that I think are very valuable. And caring less about what happened yesterday or what might happen tomorrow…well, that is probably for the best. But I guess I’m not sure what the GOAL is.

If the goal is to be in a state of serenity, I don’t think I want to achieve it. Unless I am missing the point. Am I missing the point? Any deep thinkers out there lurking in cyberspace? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so heavy on y’all. That’s why I started out this entry with a story about a lady who barfed in public.

And I’m going to end it by asking one more thing: If I do reach a state of total enlightenment and serenity, a place where I am channeling only positive energy all the time, a state of being where I am totally present and focused and relaxed, if I get myself to that place, will there be chocolate chip pancakes waiting for me?