Cheese Update
So, I wrote the previous post in quite a bit of agony, kvetching in a somewhat humorous way about my decision to eat a crapload of dairy four months after becoming a vegan and the subsequent sharp shooting pains that followed.
Here is Part 2, where we figure out what exactly is ailing our heroine!
I was doing okay Tuesday morning, had some oatmeal, went to the gym, sang pretty at an audition, etc. And then I guess I ate a little too much too fast later in the afternoon because Tuesday around 5 pm EST, my stomach ruptured into 10,000 pieces of shrapnel. I’m not quite sure how, but it happened.
I spent the rest of the night in the fetal position, switching between the kitchen floor and the living room floor, alternately sipping ginger tea and screaming my head off. I went to bed, thinking I could sleep it off but OH NO. THAT WOULD’VE BEEN EASY. Instead, I woke up every hour, EVERY SINGLE HOUR - 2:30 am, 3:41 am, 4:16 am, etc. - running to the bathroom. Your helpful laxative suggestions? So unnecessary. Let’s just say that.
Around 5:45 in the morning, I stopped going back to bed and sat in the bathtub, with the shower shooting water pellets down on my shoulders, hugging my knees and examining the shampoo bottles. I looked down at my abdomen and noticed that I appeared to be at least in my first trimester of pregnancy. Sitting there, in the shower, I had a fleeting thought: “I think normal people would see a doctor about this.”
Around 8:00 in the morning, I attempted to call a doctor and get an opinion.
“Do you have a fever?” asked Dr. SmartyPants.
“I don’t know!” I wailed. “I don’t have a thermometer!”
“Well. Get out of bed and get one and if you have a fever, come in because it could be a viral infection.”
Click.
Get out of bed!? Who the hell do you think you are!? I’m in PAIN here. My bed is safe and warm! I prefer curling up in it and clutching the covers and moaning to my roommate to come help me wash my face. (He totally did. With a washcloth. And THEN he brought me a cotton pad with eye-makeup remover on it. AWESOME.)
I’ve realized that when it comes to being sick, I’m not that strong. I TRY to be strong. I don’t want to delve and get too personal here (HAHA LAXATIVES! TOO LATE!) but I’ve had some moments in my life where I’ve been in extreme pain. The kind of pain where you wish someone would just cut off your arm with a chainsaw because that would probably hurt less than what you’re going through at the moment. I’ve tried to be strong in those moments and sometimes I’ve succeeded. Lately, not so much.
Now, I’m the kind of girl with her cheek down on the tiles of the bathroom floor, moaning for someone to take away the pain, sweet Jesus why doesn’t anyone LOVE ME!? What can I say? I don’t “suck it up” that well. I want to pretend that in the throws of childbirth, I will breathe my way through dilation and meditate my way through contractions, avoiding all offers of drugs. Lately, I’ve been thinking that I will be screaming for an epidural about a week before the baby is due. Future Husband: Be Prepared.
So after I watched “The View” (and wondered why the HELL I was watching “The View”), I decided to call a doctor. I wandered into a Health Clinic around 1 pm and got the answers I was searching for.
Doctor: So. You gave up dairy?
Me: Yeah.
Doctor: That is…so not a good idea.
Me: Um. Yeah.
Doctor: Why did you do that?
Me: *shrug* Can you fix my stomach? It’s broken.
I lay down and doctor proceeds to feel up my abdomen.
Doctor: Oh my GOD, you have a LOT going on in there.
Me: Is it twins?
Doctor: No, it’s gas. Your entire abdomen is full of gas and it doesn’t seem to want to go anywhere.
Me: HOW DO I MAKE IT GO SOMEWHERE? THIS HURTS LIKE HELL!
Doctor: You shouldn’t have given up dairy.
Me: SIGH.
By giving up dairy for four months, I unknowingly stripped my intestines of lactase, the enzyme used to digest dairy products. I then forced an obscene about of mozzarella cheese down my digestive tract and my body FLIPPED THE HELL OUT because it didn’t know how to process it. Hence, a ton of gas, just hanging out in my abdomen, making me look very knocked up.
So, I have pills to help with the cramping and I’m under strict orders to eat saltines and gatorade and gingerale in an effort to get myself unpregnant. I’m super dehydrated since I realized that every time I drank water, I had to run to the bathroom to expel it. So, we’re trying to remedy that situation as I type and by “we” I mean my totally pathetic GASSY self.
I could not feel anymore gross right now.
I also could not regret anything more in my life.
Except that time I accidentally hit my sister in the face with a rake and caused her to get stiches.
Besides that, THIS SUCKS SO HARD. The End.
Heyyy, I’m Vegan Mike’s friend (since we were like, um, four-years-old or something) and have been surreptitiously reading your blog because it is hilarious.
This is a funny post to finally comment on but I just totally related. I was vegan for a long time and, when I stopped, it took me awhile to get used to cheese again. Eventually I was able to eat it again without doubling over in pain for days at a time but I still can’t drink actual milk– if I so much as drink a latte with cow’s milk, I’m sick for the rest of the night. But cheese is usually ok now. Weird.
Also, I just wanted to comment on the fact that the doctor said that giving UP dairy was the problem. That doesn’t make a lot of sense to me– technically, isn’t the problem that you went BACK to eating dairy? I hate when doctors are so ignorant about nutrition but it seems like most of them are.
I’ve actually been taking acidophilus tablets lately (because I’m on antibiotics for an ear infection because I’m apparently a six-year-old) which is a more expensive and less fun way of getting those yummy yogurt bacteria.
I had a feeling you were going to ask me that (about un-veganizing myself) because people usually do ask that (I usually ask people that) but it’s actually a really hard question to answer! I think I just started to feel that it was kind of extreme. That sounds judgmental but I don’t feel that way at all– I think it’s awesome when people are vegan and I really respect that choice.
I just feel that, for me personally, it was causing me to be a burden on friends and family and I didn’t think it was worth it. I actually don’t think I even realized how much of a burden I was until I stopped being vegan. Ideally, I would be vegan at home and, when I went out, I wouldn’t ask anyone to order or make something special for me or change which restaurant we’re going to but if a good vegan option was available, I’d order it most of the time. That’s not exactly how I am though, I eat a lot more dairy than I think I should but I’ve become aware of that in the past week or so and I’ve started being more conscious about it.
The other thing that I would do, ideally, is only eat eggs and dairy that come from local, organic farms that use sustainable, animal-friendly practices. But actually I do things like eat pizza from Papa John’s which is gross and the cheese probably comes from California and is full of RBGH.
As far as seafood, I don’t know. I’ve gone back and forth on that one a lot– I’ll go 6 months or a year without eating seafood and then I’ll eat it like 3 times in a week and then get grossed out and stop. It’s probably not that safe with mercury and everything but then there’s the Omega-3s and the fact that I LOVE SEAFOOD.
Okay, this is the longest comment on earth. The answer is that I don’t know the answer. I think about food a lot. I think about where it comes from and how my food choices affect other people, animals, and the environment but I still don’t think I always make awesome choices. But I think just being aware and caring is a good step.
I feel as Vegan Mike it is my responsibility….MY DUTY…to put an end to all of this dairy/seafood/egg conversation. Laura, Laurie….QUIT IT!! Vegans are the best and that’s the end of it.
*this message was brought to you by the friendly folks at peta*
Oh, boy. That sounds like a heap of fun. I, unfortunately, have experienced something similar, but I was only a vegan for 1 month so when I started up dairy again it wasn’t a problem.
I’ve been eating a lot more animals products since, but usually only if I know they came from a happy place and were ethically treated.
I hope you are feeling better. Oh yeah, and childbirth is waaaaaaay more painful. But at least it doesn’t last as long and you kinda know what is happening.
-Deanna
so many ethical conversations over here and I’m the first one to make a fart joke?