I always used to roll my eyes when my mother warned me that I would grow up to be just like her.

“Trust me,” she’d say, “I tried to avoid it too, but it’s INEVITABLE.”

I knew she was lying, SHE HAD TO BE, because first and foremost, unlike her, I would not end up marrying my math teacher. I knew that much. I figured that I could avoid morphing into her completely if I carefully abstained from dating anyone in the science/mathematics/education field. I thought this would prevent me from becoming ANYTHING like my mother. This, it turns out, was the wrong way to go about this since it meant that I ended up just dating really poor people. Live and learn.

Obviously, she was right. It was inevitable. By the time college came around, I was getting pulled over for speeding tickets, I was volunteering for random church projects and heck, I was probably even wearing high-waisted pants. Friends of my mother tell me that our facial expressions are similar, our sense of humor is similar and that we both talk really really fast. Okay. Those are similarities I can deal with. But there is something deeper than I’ve inherited. Something in the very core of my DNA that I cannot escape:

I. lose. everything.

Growing up, when my mother left the house, we would count the seconds aloud, usually getting to 5 or 6 before she would race back through the door exclaiming, “I forgot my wallet! I forgot my keys! I totally forgot what I’m doing right now!” She misplaces things on a daily basis. She’s left cellphones in hotel rooms, she’s locked the keys in the car on numerous occasions and she goes through a pair of eyeglasses every three months.

A prime example has to be the time she went shopping for my 22nd birthday dinner. She carefully picked out all the ingredients in the supermarket and when she got to the register, she realized that she had lost her wallet. That night, on my birthday, we ate off the fine china plates which are reserved for special occasions. My mother had set the beautiful china out on the table because it was my birthday and also to draw attention away from the fact that we were eating Chinese takeout.

This is my destiny.

Margot, my roommate on tour this fall, rolled her eyes constantly over my predicament. You have to understand that tour life is NOT AT ALL conducive to my situation. It involves packing and unpacking every single day which allows for tons of opportunities to leave cellphone chargers, makeup bags, and stray socks behind. I did pretty well for the first two months, running back inside to doublecheck things approximately 500 times. But then, I got lazy.

How lazy?

Well, so glad you asked. So lazy that on the day we came back into the States out of Canada, we drove through Detroit to pick up Vegan Mike and then drove up through the middle of Michigan for another two and a half hours. We were all exhausted when we reached the fabulousness that was the brand new Motel 6 in the middle of nowhere. And then:

Me: Where’s my wallet?

Margot: What?

Me: I LOST MY WALLET.

Margot: You always say that. And we always find it. You didn’t lose your wallet.

Me: NO. I LOST IT FOR REAL.

Margot: We didn’t go anywhere! We came into the States and got Mike at the airport and ate lunch at Wendy’s…

Me: IT’S AT THE WENDY’S.

Margot: No…what? Really?

Um. Yeah. I left my wallet in the BATHROOM STALL at Wendy’s. (We don’t have to talk about the fact that I took the van by myself to go get it and that I forgot to check the gas tank before I left and that it was on EMPTY and that I sobbed hysterically and some lady bought me a tank of gas at the gas station because my wallet was AT THE WENDY’S.) So yeah, at least someone turned it in. They left all my credit cards but took the $1.50 I had in cash. I guess they were allowed, some sort of bizarre twist on the phrase “Finder’s Fee”. Who knows.

But I got it back. That was at the end of November. And things have been going swimmingly since then. And by swimmingly, I mean that in that time, I’ve only forgotten my keys twice, forgotten the slip that I wear under my audition dress (because I am a grandma and still wear slips) and misplaced my cellphone one day for four hours (it was in my coat pocket). Not bad. Until yesterday.

I had a long day yesterday. Long. My bag was full of crap. Tons of crap. I find that actors always carry around way too much stuff. Most girls resort to the little rolling suitcases with wheels but oh my God I’m vain and I just cannot walk around New York City every day with a SUITCASE, could you die!?!? So instead, I do what is logical which is to carry around at least three bags, each weighing 50 pounds. Audition bag. Gym bag. Miscellaneous…wait what exactly takes up so much damn room!? Lord.

So, I was in a consolidating mood yesterday and actually crammed all my things into ONE bag. Audition dress, shoes, rep book, wallet, keys, cellphone, planner, one glove, lip gloss (two kinds), eyelash curler, Anna Karenina, you get the picture. I went to the audition. I went to get my eyebrows done because, why not? And then I went to the bank to deposit my paycheck. I walked from the bank to the subway and reached down into my bag for my metrocard. Which was in my wallet. Which was no longer in my bag.

Sigh.

You guys? I lost my wallet. Permanently.

I figure someone saw it resting atop alllllll my crap and pickpocketed it or else it just fell right out of my bag on the street.

Totally awesome, eh?

Gone: Fifty bucks in cash. (And 83 cents.) My driver’s license. My rent check to my landlord. My credit cards. My student ID! (CURSES!! NO MORE CHEAP BROADWAY SHOW TICKETS! WHY GOD WHY?!!?) My Equity card. My DSW Shoe Warehouse Membership Card. My Buy-10-Manicures-Get-One-Free-Card. Other insignificant things like…oh yes,

My social security card.

WHAT!? WHAT?!! Why did I have that in there!? Probably from a job interview two years ago. But. WHAT WHAT WHAT!? So uncool, Laura! Damn, you are missing a brain. So now, I’m a total prime candidate for identity theft. Fun. Super fun. I’ve cancelled all credit cards and put a warning on my bank account and blah blah, what does it matter. The most irritating thing is that I lost my wallet and tomorrow, I’m going to California. Well. Wait. That’s not irritating at all, actually. HA! CALIFORNIA!

The twins’ uncle lives in San Diego and I am accompanying them on their vacation and basically, that means I can tell people I’m “going to San Diego. On business.” So, a business trip to San Diego in the middle of winter! I am the luckiest girl in the history of lucky! Well. Come to think of it, I might retract that statement after spending six hours on a plane with 2.5 year old twins.

Anyway. By the time I get back on Monday night, hopefully everything will be fixed, new ATM cards will have arrived, credit cards will be replaced and I will have accepted the fact that I will never again get to pay the student price for anything, ever ever ever again.

You know though.

I keep hoping that it will turn up. I keep thinking that the universe can’t be so cruel to me, that someone has to turn it in, that someone GOOD found it and wants me to have it back. But honestly, I just don’t know. I lost my wallet. It sucks. I am The Stupid.

BUT I’M GOING TO SAN DIEGO ON BUSINESS!!!!

So really, life can’t be that bad.

Right, mom?