Okay, so this one time I booked a show and started rehearsals and joined Actor’s Equity and paid off my credit card debt like Suze Orman said and figured that obviously, all signs were pointing to “BUY A NEW COMPUTER”. So I did.
It will arrive next week. It is a laptop. It is a Mac. In short, it’s going to be my new boyfriend.
I’ve been spending the past few hours going through my trusty PC, the PC that was purchased the August before my freshman year of college. It is five years old. There are stickers around the edges of the monitor that say things like “God Always Listens” and “Angel of the Lord” and “Hum a Happy Tune”. (I know. What!?!?) This computer contains my entire life–UB papers, critiques, notes and poems for ex-boyfriends, angry IM conversations with friends. In summation: it contains MUCH hilarity.
I was going to post that hilarity here, especially because I found blog entries from 1998-2003 on my hard drive. I was going to cut and paste HYSTERICAL melodramatic quotes from those entries but really, all you need to know is that I’ve been a total spaz my entire life and had NO sense of tact and NO sense of what should/should not be posted on the world wide web. Therefore, most entries are one huge paragraph long, start out with a quote from a Broadway musical and ramble on like this:
“TODAY TOM AND I WENT TO THE CITY AND SAW A SHOW AND OHMYGOD I HAVE TO WRITE OUT MY ‘TONY AWARD’ PICKS BECAUSE OHMYGOD THE TONY’S ARE THE BEST THING OF MY LIFE BY THE WAY I LOVE JESUS! GOD WILL GET ME THROUGH THIS! OHMYGOD I SAW ‘RENT’ 4 TIMES BECAUSE I AM A 16 YEAR OLD LOSER!!!!!!!!”
And then I started thinking. And I’ve been thinking in between rehearsing. (Which, by the way, is going so well! Random Fact: Ashlee Simpson is rehearsing in the room next door for a West End production of “Chicago” BUT even better, this morning I ran into Christine Ebersole in the lobby who is rehearsing for “Grey Gardens” and oh WAIT, I’m still blogging about Broadway show stars because I AM A 23 YEAR OLD LOSER.)
So, I’ve been thinking.
I’ve been thinking about how I began this blog in 1998. This whole blog experience has been such a therapeutic outlet for me. Reading back on those high school entries, I laughed so hard at the younger version of myself. I also realized that my writing has really grown and matured since then. (Thank God.) I don’t think I’m a wonderful writer, I just think this has helped me to become a better one. This precious space has forced me to write by encouraging a natural flow of ideas, thoughts and commentary. It has blossomed from a mortifying “Dear Diary, Here’s What I Did Today!” format to a collection of short stories about my family, living in New York City and the struggles of an actor.
An anonymous girl once told me she reads this as fiction and I felt so honored by that compliment. But hey, the thing with blogs and livejournals and such are that entries are often written in the heat of the moment. I have written some truly terrible things. I’ve been narcissistic, sarcastic, catty, melodramatic, etc. And no one probably noticed, but this summer, I deleted over 1/2 my archived entries from the past two years. This was mostly because I went back to read them and I cringed. A lot.
Because my blog entries are permanently preserved in cyberspace, anyone can stumble upon this, read through the archives and make a harsh judgment about me. It doesn’t matter if at that moment, I was angry or dramatic or jealous or immature. The entry stands alone and can be taken out of context and applied to the present day Me. Do I want people to be able to do that? Will my future husband google me after our first date? Will he read through all my entries? What kind of picture will that paint of me? A real one, at least. But, ick.
I also have to wonder, if I want to be a successful actress (and by successful I mean working, not famous), do I really want my personal life published on the internet? I think I’ve been really good about avoiding certain subjects. (Specific job details, relationship details of any kind, friendships gone awry, etc.) I wasn’t always so careful but I learned. Some things just need to be banned from discussion on this website, because now, at 23, I have tact (somewhat) and a sense of what you can/cannot write about on the world wide web for all to read.
It is so hard for me to imagine shutting this down. I wanted to keep this up and start journaling about my experience working on this upcoming tour. I even contemplated spinning a blog off this one just for that sole purpose. I thought it would be pretty entertaining to read, a literary version of a reality television show if you will–7 people driving around the South in a van. Priceless.
And oh Lord everyone, it’s so amazing for me to go back and read those entries, even the horribly embarrassing 2001 entries. There are details in there that I’d totally forgotten about, memories that had left me a long time ago. I read them and I just thought, “Wow, I am SO glad I have this to look back on.” It’s like finding all those notes from 6th grade in a shoebox on top of your closet. You totally forgot you used to doodle yin-yangs on notes, right?! HILARIOUS!
And the end of blogging doesn’t have to mean the end of my writing and my ability to keep track of the minute details of my life. I guess I could keep up the everyday writing in my private written journal but I usually just reserve that old-fashioned thing for “I HAVE A CRUSH ON…” lists and recipes for Martha Stewart cookies so that just wrecks my whole flow. Or, I could type on the computer as if blogging and just never click “Publish”.
Nothing happened. I didn’t get in trouble for this blog, nobody found it that wasn’t supposed to. I just don’t know. I don’t know if there’s a point to this anymore. If I’m too personal, not personal enough, or just reinforcing my TOTAL LOSER motife that I’m trying so hard to discard, etc. (As an actress, how do I create a marketable image of myself if I post pictures of me with tomatoes over my eyes?)
I guess what I’m asking you all is,
www.thespectrum.org: So good? Or no good?