My cousin, Tom, moved to LA a few months ago because he stupidly thought it would be a good idea. So much for spending our lives together in East Coast bliss. Because of this decision, obviously, he is now dead to me. But that is besides the point. He spent last summer there, interning at a casting agency. Tom would always call me with some KICKASS story because he got to deal with actors on a regular basis and as we all know, actors are batshit crazy.

It was not rare for someone to drop off or mail in their headshot and resumé with some sort of extravagant plea for representation or a promise of an audition. It amazed me that people would willingly barter in exchange for a chance at stardom. The actors would make desperate attempts, offering candy, assorted baked goods and, my personal favorite, a voucher for free horseback riding lessons. “PLEASE! JUST SEND ME OUT ON AN AUDITION!” they would beg. How could you turn them down? I mean, free horseback riding lessons? You’re ON!

Tom now works for a Literary Talent Agency and you would think maybe people would realize that going to such extremes (”I WILL GIVE YOU MY FIRSTBORN CHILD IF YOU WILL MAKE ME FAMOUS!”) doesn’t really work. But, as we’ve all learned, most of the population (specifically the “Actor Population”) are out of their Godforsaken minds. Yesterday, Tom sent me an e-mail with the latest story. Observe:

Tom’s Latest Encounter With Crazy (edited for grammatical errors and because sometimes Tom makes up words that do not exist):

“So I’m at work and I hear a knock at the door, which is weird ’cause everyone usually just walks in. I wait to see if someone will enter but no one does and so, I go to open it and find this Asian dude standing there. He says, ‘I have meeting. And I have to go.’ I just stood there because I didn’t know what else to do. So, he handed me his headshot and resumé and ran away. I looked at the headshot, smirked, and then read this:

{This is word for word, exactly as I see it on the page.}

‘Hello, I am a Japanese Actor and also a stunt man.
I’ m sorry, I can’t speak English enough
I can Boxing, Kickboxing, Japanese Sword, Koppo, Diving and more. {then written in handwriting} and Reactions.
I have only Sightseeing VISA, so I have to go back to Japan Sep. 4.
If I get a Job, However, I will come back here soon again.
American Cinemas give the world a Great Influence, and it inspires me a lot.
I think so something I can do convey, swell with Feeling.
I can do anything for that reason.
I want to try anything.
I would even be crazy and crush into a Fireball.
If you approve of My “FRONTIER SPIRIT” and “ULTRA-SOUL”.
Would you please let me do the Stunt or Actor.
Please give me a chance!!!’

Scene.”

Oh. Thomas. Oh, faithful blog readers. There are so many things I could say, (and I will), so many “Favorite Moments” I’d like to point out from this heartbreaking e-mail. Heartbreaking because at the root of it, doesn’t it just shatter your very soul? Maybe because I’d have to agree with this young man when he fervently declares, “I WANT TO TRY ANYTHING!” Don’t you all feel the same way? Perhaps I should mold this blog to be a little bit more like this unknown eager beaver.

Lovely readers, I, like this aspiring actor, am dying to know if you approve of my FRONTIER SPIRIT and ULTRA-SOUL! Do you?

Do you, really?

And no, surely I can’t claim that “I can Boxing, KickBoxing, Japanese Sword.” Perhaps I’d be more successful in life if I could go around telling people that I could INDEED Japanese Sword but…I can’t. And please, don’t fault me for that. Go ahead and praise this young man for having the courage to admit that he can not only Japanese Sword but that he is willing to “crush into a Fireball”.

How does one do that? HOW!?!? Why didn’t I learn that skill in college!? And also, would it make a good drinking game?! I would totally be a famous actor by now if I could Japanese Sword, Diving and crush into a Fireball! TOTALLY. FAMOUS. Teach me, oh wise one. Teach me the ways to true artistry.

Are we not all inspired by this young man!? Inspired by someone who will go DOOR TO DOOR in order to brag that he can “Reactions”? I’m sure he meant “He Can DO Reactions” but even so, I’m intrigued! You can!? You can REACTIONS?!?!? Pray tell! How!?!?! To me, this guy sounds pretty damn fierce.

Enough is enough. I’m already insecure as an actor, I don’t need to dwell on the fact that this guy obviously has ten times more FRONTIER SPIRIT than I do. I just can’t compete in that area, I guess. I just don’t “swell with feeling” the way he promises to be able to. It’s a cruel, cruel world my friends.

(Would it be too much to ask for a little “FRONTIER SPIRIT” explanation? I mean…I definitely want some but…what…is it? Does it involve a country song? Or maybe Davy Crockett? OR MAYBE a covered wagon and/or the Oregon Trail?! Wild Frontier, guys. FRONTIER SPIRIT. If you don’t have it, you have died! Of dysentery!)

So perhaps I’m not exactly sure if I have FRONTIER SPIRIT or ULTRA-SOUL. Who cares? This guy obviously does and he wants everyone to know it. And so, one final bit of advice for this hopeful young Asian man who appeared at Tom’s doorstep with his headshot, much like a single mother at the steps of a convent, clutching a baby she knows she just can’t keep:

Concerning the last line of your note, go ahead and do “The Stunt”. Live your dream. No one need give you permission to do “The Stunt”. (Whatever that may mean to you.) But…

I think when you want to “do an actor”, the polite thing is to always ask first before proceeding.

Peace.