Two of my biggest relationships have ended because of my career. Well. Not like I have a semblance of a career and not like the men said something like, “Oh, you’re an ACTRESS? I’m OUT OF HERE!” (Which, they should’ve. Duh.) But because DUE to a career I wish to have in the near future, I have been unable to compromise on the city that I live in, the hours that I work and time and effort put into said relationships. I wonder if this will always be the case. What am I working so hard towards? And at what cost?

Is it wrong that when I think about stuff like that it makes me pause for a really long while?

And maybe blink a few times?

And wonder, after only a year in New York City, if any of this is really worth it?

And then I eat lentil soup and make macaroni and cheese and I start to feel better immediately.

I thought that I wanted to date other people. You know, be a big girl and go on DATES and have men buy me dinner or maybe an alcoholic beverage. I would frolick around the city like Carrie Bradshaw, getting into all the clubs and restaurants and have three witty beautiful friends I would meet up with later for brunch. The truth of the matter is that I don’t really want to date anyone at all right now. The thought of it overwhelms me. I don’t want to meet anyone new, particularly because I know I’ll judge them and I’ll know immediately in the first 10 seconds that they just aren’t the SAME as the person that I want and then I have to sit there for the next few hours and pretend that they are EXACTLY what I want.

I want to be by myself. Really and truly. I’ve never been a girl who desperately wishes for a boyfriend anyway. I’ve just always kind of dated people who fell into my lap. And magically and luckily for me, they were so so incredibly amazing I couldn’t say no. I feel like such a spoiled brat saying it but I never had to go out and FIND a boyfriend. And I don’t want to now. I want to go it alone and see if this career thing is all its cracked up to be. I’m a crappy girlfriend when it all comes down to it and someday I’d like to be a SUPER DUPER GIRLFRIEND who can turn into a SUPER DUPER KICK ASS WIFE WHO MAKES GREAT TOMATO SAUCE.

I can’t do that right now.

I’m just too tired and too poor.

I’m just afraid that if I take time now to be alone and do ma THANG, that I will wake up at 30 and have no one. I’m battling the voice inside that tells me that I better hurry up and find a man or I will die alone with many cats. I’m trying to trust that inner feeling and all my mother’s friends who reassure me that in the grand scheme of life, 23 is really very young and why rush things? But…but…I’m very competitive and in the race to find love and a family of my own, I don’t want to lose.

PASS ME THE BATON, SOMEONE!!!!!

Um. Maybe…just…not right now. Right now, I’m taking a time out. It’s half-time, y’all. I’m trying to feel good about this decision. Positive. Trusting in God’s mysterious and magical plan. But…but…daaaaaaaaaaamn trust is HARD.

Especially when people from the Disney channel keep getting cast in Broadway shows.

How can I compete with that?

Answer: I can’t.

Peace.