I really don’t mind going to the laundromat to do my laundry. Sure, it’s a big pain in the ass but I kind of like the fact that I can go in the middle of the day and sit around and watch soap operas. I’m not sure what I like better–the fact that the place is owned by a cute little Greek lady who smokes tons of cigarettes or the fact that there is a CAUTION sign next to every dryer that says “BEFORE LOADING LAUNDRY, CHECK FOR CHILDREN AND PETS.”
This is listed in the instructions as Step One. I always try to read the instructions carefully so I know exactly what to do–I want to put my detergent in the right compartment, select the proper heat, not toss in a human child with my pants, etc. So usually, I study the panel carefully and make the necessary adjustments.
First, I read the caution about checking for children and pets. Usually, I just assume that there are no kittens or toddlers in the top row of dryers because how could they have gotten there? However, this past week, I had to use a BOTTOM dryer and thought that it was quite possible that a three year old and/or parakeet could’ve wandered in.
So, I read the directions carefully and then opened the dryer door to check for small children. I thought it might be fun to spice up the place for those poor elderly people who sit around all day with nothing to entertain themselves with except “Days of Our Lives”.
“Bernice???” I wondered aloud for those poor old folks, “Bernie? Little girl are you in there?”
Since my imaginary child, Bernice, did not appear. I then checked for pets.
“Rudy??? Little Rudy? Are you in the dryer?” I asked no one in particular.
Since my imaginary iguana was not in the dryer, I then deemed it safe to load up my clothes, throw in some Bounce, slide in my quarters and shut the door.
I finished High Fidelity by Nick Hornby, my first Hornby experience which I really enjoyed. But now, cannot get the question of my mind: Do I listen to sad music because I’m sad? Or am I sad because I listen to sad music!? Damn. Must write down Top 5 Saddest Songs EVER:
1. A Case of You by Joni Mitchell
2. Kissing You by Des’ree
3. Danglin’ by Maury Yeston, sung by Johnny Rogers
4. Nothing Compares To You by Sinead O’Connor
Shoot the Moon by Norah Jones
Doubting Thomas by Nickel Creek
The Luckiest by Ben Folds
5. Brick by Ben Folds
Songs that almost made the cut include “Coming Around Again” by Carly Simon, “Ghost” by the Indigo Girls and anything by James Blunt.
I leave you all with a morning conversation on the phone with my mother, who called at 9:30 am to wake me up with a very important question.
Mom: MORNING LAURA! Just wanted to see what day you wanted to go see Jeremy in “Godspell”, I thought Sunday March 5th at night?
Laura In Sleepy Haze Starts Screaming: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
Laura: The Oscars!? Holy cow I can’t believe you’d make me sit through “Godspell” when the Oscars are on TV, the best night in my life!? You are a TERRIBLE person did you know “CAPOTE” got a nod for BEST PICTURE AND YOU WANT ME TO MISS IT JUST TO WATCH A 15 YEAR OLD SING ON STAGE, SOMETHING I’VE BEEN TRYING TO DO AND I CAN’T EVEN GET WORK, YOU ARE AN UNFEELING TERRIBLE WOMAN!
Mom: Oh right! So. The matinee then?
Laura: (still groggy and now sulking) Okay fine.
And thanks for the 50 bucks you put in my account.
Mom: No problem. Okay Bye!