My dad has a huge scar on his thigh from his multiple operations and when his final surgery takes place, he’s going to get a brand new one close to the original. For now, he’s just got the one huge gash that sort of looks like it’s smiling back up at him. LIFE IS CRUEL.

He’s been joking with us that everyone at the beach next year is gonna be SO jealous when he shows up in his thong and shows off his battle wounds and we’re all YOU KNOW IT, DAD.

So naturally, when he spotted this comic in the Sunday paper a few weeks ago, he couldn’t resist cutting it out, adding his own artwork, scanning it and e-mailing to all of us.

That’s about right, dad. You’re gonna look just as fierce.

 

 

I mean, I guess the trip was alright.

I’m due to get on a plane in less than 12 hours.

Can’t promise that I will be on that flight.

Highly considering not coming back.

You’ve been warned.

Managed to upload this video of me from Genoa. Tom and I are at a cafe and it was the first time I was allowed coffee. (Tom is keeping me on a tight leash. UGH.) It’s cute though and it’s typical of how we’ve been spending our time.

Genoa from The Spectrum on Vimeo.

On the way here, we stopped in Pisa to take ridiculous pictures of ourselves holding up the Leaning Tower. We also climbed its 294 steps. In 93 degree heat. I don’t recommend this. But I also don’t regret it. That Leaning Tower LEANS, y’all.

Also, I have the most incredible video of Tom while he climbs up the steps inside the tower. At one point, he is singing “Annie” out one of the windows (MAYBE FAR AWAYYYY OR MAYBE REAL NEARBYYYY) and then he does Mission Impossible, hiding among the marble, then he tells Harry Potter that Professor Snape is just head, HURRY ‘ARRY! And he finishes off with a lovely rendition of “God Help The Outcasts” from the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

My life, you guys. This is my life.

Stopping in Pisa was a brilliant idea but stopping in Pisa without a place to dump our backpacks (except the AMAZINGLY FREE Leaning Tower baggage check) was a BAD IDEA. After about 10 minutes of stomping through the blazing sun with all our luggage, Tom and I were all STOP THIS TRAIN and sat ourselves at the nearest air conditioned restaurant for a two-course lunch. We split a bottle of white wine, had salads, pasta and dessert and then declared ourselves perfectly fine to continue our journey to the train station.

Sometimes all you need is a ridiculously extravagant Pisan lunch that only costs you 50 Euros. YOU FEEL ME?

Also, I have to call RIDICULOUS on all those people that told me that Pisa was sort of a waste of time, that we didn’t need to spend more than an afternoon there because the Leaning Tower is all there is and blah dee blah.

Um. What? Who ARE you people and why are you trying to ruin my life?

I found Pisa to be the cutest little town with lots of fun shopping, delicious food and tons and tons of super hot Italian guys who attend the local university. Next time, I plan on spending months of my life in Pisa so I can hold up the Leaning Tower every day and so I can find a husband.

ANYWAY.

Italy is hot in the summer, you guys. And Florence is a mad house of tourists, something that I never had to deal with when I came here two years ago in May. AND OH DID I MENTION HOW HOT IT IS? The sun is an intense angry ball of flames and for some reason, feels way more intense than the sun in New York City, particularly around 5 pm when it should be getting cooler. Italy’s sun just gets more and more angry as the day goes on so by 6:00 you’re on your knees in a piazza begging God to forgive your sins. And before you point out that it’s the SAME SUN in New York and Italy, I just want to tell you that you’re wrong. It’s different.

The food I’ve been eating makes up for all the sweating I’ve been doing. Tom and I just cannot stop eating and I feel like that’s okay. My vegetarian self has been doing very well here (I actually found cannellini bean hummus last night. WHAT THE MAGICAL MAGIC IS GOING ON?) but I have indulged in seafood twice so far with no regrets. I cannot bring myself to try the meat, not even in Genoa though Tom did and talked about his salami sandwich for approximately three days until I was all SHUT UP THERE ARE OTHER THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.

And he’s all, No, there’s not.

And he’s right. So without further ado:

Food I’ve had thus far
by Laura Elizabeth, age 27.3

Gnocchi al pesto
Rigatoni with eggplant, olives, cherry tomatoes
Cannellini Bean hummus
Chickpea, olive, pecorino cheese salad
Pizza with artichokes
Pizza with arugula
Pizza with olives
bread, bread, bread
Croissants
Warm croissants with ricotta cheese in the middle and chocolate on top
Dairy-free chocolate gelato
Dairy-filled white chocolate gelato
Lots and lots of watermelon
One iced espresso that made me believe in God

Stuff Tom Has Eaten:
Everything above because he can’t keep his hands off my food

Plus:

A steak salad with arugula
Authentic salami sandwich in Genoa
Tagiatelle with rabbit
Ten times more gelato than me

Someone explain to me why my cousin weighs about 100 pounds. HE EATS LIKE A SUMO WRESTLER. Then again, so do I. We tell ourselves it’s okay because we walk everywhere! We’re walking! Right? EXERCISE! Plus we keep sweating! Sweating out those calories! YEAH!

Sigh.

And now we are in Florence.

I came to an internet cafe to attempt to call home but then realized it’s 6 am in New York. I’m sure my mom would love hear from me. But not at 6 am. So I am blogging while Tom and my sister hit up the Santa Croce church where Michelangelo is buried along with Galileo, Machiavelli, etc. It’s pretty awesome so I pushed them into going while I snuck away to wander the streets of Florence alone.

And then blogged.

??

God, I’m lame.

Okay! That’s the update! We have another two days in Florence and then on to Rome for a crazy Roman wedding extravaganza. Should be good freaking times.

And now it’s about noon which means it’s time for gelato. And then lunch. And then wine. And then a lovely passegiata around the Ufizzi Gallery. Alayna and I were there two years ago and I’ve been dreaming of those Botticelli paintings ever since so I plan on spending the blazing hot afternoon hours just gazing at the beauty.

BEST DAY OF MAH LIFE.

Now if only Tom would stop eating all my food.

HANDS OFF, JERK.

We have left Switzerland far behind and are now officially in Italy, land of 2 Euro pizza and enough gorgeous men to make my head spin. The Italians call this ciy Genova which is very confusing because we just left Geneva and Tom is all, ARE WE GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES? And I say yes, we are and stop eating yogurt by the pound and then complaining your stomach hurts. THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM.

I attempted to upload some of the 150 pictures to flickr this morning and noticed to my dismay that this black mark we saw on the lens is actually translating over to the pictures. I had hoped it was just a mark in the camera and wouldn’t ruin the pictures, but it did. Which means I can photoshop all 150 pictures when I get home or kill myself or both.

I’m going to stop using this camera for now because OMG I WANT TO KILL MYSELF. You can see evidence of the dark mark here - this hurts my soul.. And in all the photos after it. (I was able to upload the few I took with my video camera but that’s about 10…the other 140? Taken with dark mark camera.) Does anyone have any idea what happened to my camera? And how to fix it?

I can’t bring myself to upload anymore because it’s so super depressing and ruins every single photo.

But! I have my trusty little point and shoot with me and that will do the trick for the rest of the trip. Plus my video camera and Tom’s genius documentary making skillz. (Skillz include movies about how much he loves yogurt and a tour of our hotel room and how he feels about the most minute of details. YOU CAN’T WAIT. I KNOW.)

For now, we’re going to go explore Genoa and have some more pizza. Last night, we tried the pesto which is what Genoa/Genova is known for and I was so happy that I fell over and died, right near the spot where Columbus set sail for America. BEST TRIP EVA. I’ve taken pictures of all of it and they are ruined by the dark mark. SEND HALP.

No one cared about my carry on or my liquids and I bitched for nothing and what else is new.

Everything in Geneva costs approximately $10,000 dollars so I sold my sister to pay for dinner last night. I hope my mother doesn’t mind since she was the only one anyone wanted to pay for. NO JOKE YALL. Girl keeps getting stared at everywhere we go. GORGEOUS AMERICAN! UP IN THIS PIECE!

Im using a European keyboard which wont let me use apostrophes but will let me do stuff like this: çàéäöü extremely easily. Arent you glad?

Um. I thought I had more to say.

But I dont.

I have taken approximately 9 hours of video of Tom talking about what food he is eating. The other footage is of me slumped against him begging him to let me sleep because the jetlag nearly killed me but he refused because he is cold and mean so I am currently looking for someone to buy him so I can buy breakfast tomorrow.

GENEVA. WTF IS UP WITH YOUR INSANE STANDARD OF LIVING? Who the F can afford a 21 dollar pizza?

Not me. So Im going to Italy tomorrow.

I will miss you and your mountains and your fountains but not your pizza.

LOVE,

LAURA & TOM AND & MY SISTERS BOYFRIEND BUT NOT MY SISTER CUZ I SOLD HER.

Okay, dudes.

In a few short hours, I’ll be on a plane.

After that, I’ll be in Brussels running through the airport attempting to catch my connecting flight to Geneva.

After that, I will spend tomorrow in a daze, attempting to stay awake throughout the ENTIRE DAY, subsisting on the small amount of sleep I can get on the plane tonight and multiple espressos.

And then my friends?

And then?

Then I shall be twirling around the Alps singing the entire score from the Sound of Music.

My philosophy friends tried to correct me and tell me that it was AUSTRIA, not SWITZERLAND but I say SHAME ON YOU for trying to crush my dreams. The Alps are the Alps. And my hair shall be in braids. And Tom will be the nun. It’s going to be so awesome.

Other than that, I have no plans for Switzerland because…I don’t know much about Switzerland.

I do know that I’m going to try to have this conversation as much as possible:

Tom: So, would you rather eat breakfast now or later?

Me: I don’t know. *pause* I’M NEUTRAL.

etc. etc. etc.

Oh, Switzerland jokes! COMEDY GOLD.

This will be my last blog post from this country for awhile and I assume that during my vacation, posting will be sporadic. I was originally going to drag my laptop with me but it just seems insane and unnecessary which is a shame ‘cuz I just ran out and bought my very first video camera and I was hoping to show you some sure to be classic video clips.

ALAS! IT MUST WAIT UNTIL I RETURN.

For now, here are some pictures of my philosophy crew at my friend Sue’s house in Fire Island this weekend. It was a perfect example of doing that thing I kept talking about - when someone says, do you want to come along? I say, HECK YEAH I DO!

But honestly, this isn’t that much of a stretch. You don’t have to bribe me too much to spend a day at the ocean. It rained throughout the day until dinner but then the skies opened up and we jumped in the water. It was the most perfect summer day/evening with the most perfect philosophical friends and there was a lot of PIMMS drinking and brownie eating. DIVINE!

I’m so happy I know this crazy bunch of people even if they are hell bent on correcting my Sound of Music specifics - BRENDA I AM LOOKING AT YOU.

Okay. If the plane goes down or if the Mafia kidnaps me, I want you all to know that I have loved writing on this blog and that I spent the last few days of my life eating Thai food, jamming out to showtunes while I packed and picking up a tick on Fire Island, surrounded by my most beautiful loving friends.

CIAO!!!

Woah, you guys.

Tomorrow I am getting on a jet plane to cross the Atlantic to go on a super awesome ridiculously cool vacation.

I had a slight panic attack yesterday as I looked up our airline and realized it was Indian which, no big deal, except their website says ONE carry on and NO LIQUIDS ANYWHERE IN THE CABIN as per the Government of India.

??

What is your deal, India?

I told my sister to give them a call and she wrote me this text:

COULDN’T REALLY UNDERSTAND THE INDIAN GUY. SAYS WE CAN HAVE ONE CARRY ON AND A LAPTOP BUT NO LIQUIDS IN THE LAPTOP.

??

Thank you, Deb. And Indian man. That does not make any sense at all.

I mean, of course it does! I ALWAYS pack shampoo in my laptop!

I finally called them up at JFK and was all WHAT IS YOUR DEAL? and the airline employee startled me by asking who he was talking to. I didn’t expect this question so I stammered “Laura…my name is Laura.”

And he goes, “Well Miss Laura! Liquids are okay that are 100 ml but not more than 200 ml.”

I…?

Wait.

I can’t have more than 200 ml total?

Correct.

And none of them can be bigger than 100 ml?

Right.

But that’s only two three-ounce containers.

200 ml!!

Can I bring two carry-ons?

No.

I can’t?

You can bring a carry on and a laptop bag.

But that’s two carry ons.

No. One carry on and a laptop.

What if I’m not taking a laptop and bringing a purse?

One carry on and a laptop and liquids no more than 200 ml.

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

But then I went nuts on Google and found similar questions on message boards and some very intelligent dude who has his sh*t together was all, you guys? When you go through security? It’s airport security not AIRLINE security so you’re just bound to the rules of the airport and that better damn well be true because I need my liquids you guys. I even bought SUPER CUTE TINY LITTLE LIQUIDS that look OH SO CUTE in my quart-sized plastic bag. I mean, a tiny travel size bottle of aloe gel? COME ON! He’s such a little pumpkin pie scooter schmooter cutie!

And more than that, I’m going to be royally pissed if I have to chuck all my precious liquids out and buy suncreen and shampoo and little itty bitty baby aloe vera gel when I arrive.

The carry on was the bigger problem for me as I am not checking my bags and planned on bringing my big backpack and another small bag. BUT NOW I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S POSSIBLE! BECAUSE OF INDIA! AND 200 ML!

Laurie sent me an e-mail after about 10,000 e-mails from me about INDIAN AIRLINES and LIQUIDS and NO CARRY ONS and was just like, “Dude but really? Everything is going to work out.”

And I punched her through the computer because WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE WITHOUT CARRY ONS AND LIQUIDS.

Ahem.

Other than that, I am in great shape.

If you must know why I am panicking about not being able to have a carry on or liquids or why I don’t just freaking check my bag it is because I never check my bag, will never check my bag again, no way, no how. Perhaps on a direct flight. Maybe. If I was planning on living somewhere for a very long time and had to pack huge suitcases.

But honestly?

I never ever plan on checking a bag EVER AGAIN IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

For one, I have a layover in Belgium and only 50 minutes to transfer planes. This means there is a very good chance that my luggage will not make it on my second flight. Additionally, we are bouncing around during our trip from city to city after a few days in each place so if my bags were lost, they would NEVER GET TO ME.

Most importantly, I vowed never ever to check a bag ever again because of that one time? When Tom and I traveled to Greece in 2003, got stuck in the airport for 6 hours during the Eastern seaboard black out, had our flight canceled, got on a new one the next morning, sat separately because this old French guy refused to move, watched The Hours twice because it was the only movie that worked on my television on the flight, arrived in Paris at 5 am, ate a croissant and a cup of tea, boarded a plane to Athens, discovered upon arrival that it was 115 degrees in Athens in August and that it was a Greek holiday and all stores were closed and also?

Our bags had not arrived with us.

We finally tracked them down and they arrived on the sixth day of our trip.

Nothing says MY FIRST TIME TRAVELING INTERNATIONALLY like washing your underwear in the sink every night.

On the flip side, I remember that when our luggage arrived, I cried and dumped out all my clothes and rolled around in them and then went to this Greek discotheque and had some ouzo so as Laurie wisely said, everything worked out. And now I know that no trip will ever be like that trip.

And hey! I survived! And Tom and I are so insane that we have decided to travel again!

WITHOUT CHECKING ANY BAGS, THANKS SO MUCH.

I’m going to show up to JFK tomorrow, feign ignorance and see how it goes. I think I’ll be alright with the liquids considering it’s JFK and considering I’m not actually traveling through India at any point during my travels. We’ll see if a large purse counts as a laptop bag and call it a day.

Unless the Government of India requires that everyone bring a laptop with them.

That is kind of awesome.

BUT SORT OF DEMANDING?

Phew.

I’m using Maggie’s Genius Packing List which appeals to my list-making Type A little heart. I’ve also taken a lot of Maggie’s other travel tips and combined them with some of my own.

WAYS TO PACK 12 DAYS OF AWESOMENESS INTO A HUGE BACKPACK:

* Pack clothes I can wear more than once!

I especially don’t need twelve separate outfits as we are renting an apartment in Rome and il appartamento ha una lavatrice.

Look at me using my Italian lessons! That means the apartment has a washing machine. BINGO! This is perfect because by the time we hit Rome, we’ll have been traveling for a week. So, WASH IT UP Y’ALL!

* Pack mostly dresses!

I might throw a few tank tops in my backpack with a skirt but for the most part, I’m going to live in dresses or rompers. Easier to pack and coordinate and the high in Florence today is 97 so I don’t think I’m going to feel like puttin’ jeans on and I refuse to walk around in jean shorts in Europe because you might as well throw a red, white and blue fanny pack around my middle emblazoned with I <3 THE USA!!!

No, thanks.

And finally,

* I'm going to go easy on the footwear!

This is super hard for me because I love shoes but shoes are bulky and heavy. My plan is: flip flops, sandals, flats and high heels but only because of the wedding. Otherwise, SCREW THE HEELS. Did I mention I have to pack wedding appropriate attire in my backpack? Complete with pashmina because you can't go into any church in Rome without covering your shoulders? I knew that. But I didn't realize that the Catholics went so far as to prevent my cousin from using the Ave Maria during the wedding ceremony because Mozart wrote it for his mistress and COME ON, THIS POPE THING IS A LITTLE RIDICULOUS SOMETIMES.

Sheesh. Mistress or not, that song rocks. And Mozart was like, talented and stuff.

Alas, there will be no Ave Maria.

But there will be covering of shoulders.

Until the reception when I whip off that pashmina at an Italian villa, stuff my face with every kind of food imaginable, drink too much il vino bianco and hit on the wedding photographer who Beth tells me is SMOKIN'.

YOU GUYS!!!

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST TRIP OF MY LIFE!

And if India throws away my liquids AND my carry on AND my laptop and there's a black out on the Eastern seaboard and a bunch of canceled flights and I lose luggage for the whole trip and have to show up at the wedding in jean shorts and a fanny pack?

THIS IS STILL GOING TO BE THE BEST TRIP OF MY LIFE!

Mark. My. Words.

Il Ponte Fabricio in Roma, Italia, the oldest bridge in Rome built in 62 BC

(c) yury-prokopenko

You guys!

Some notable things happened over the past few days. Namely, last night, I was doing tequila shots for no reason at all and this morning I found a deer tick embedded in my thigh when I got out of the shower.

These things are not related.

Wait.

Are they?

Regardless, there was one other notable thing that happened this weekend.

My bestie Alayna and her boyfriend TSR got ENGAGED!!!

Like, to be married, y’all!

Life is crazy, am I right? One second, Alayna and I are eating pasta and drinking wine and mourning our single selves and then she meets a 6′5 dude named freaking RAVEN and he’s all knight in shining armor with a sharp quick wit and an undying effort to make her the happiest girl on Earth and I’m all YOU GUYS HAVE FUN! I’LL BE OVER HERE KNITTING BLANKETS FOR YOUR FUTURE BABIES!

I have to tell you about this engagement story because 1. It is the cutest thing of my life and B. I don’t want to think about the fact that I woke up with this tick in my thigh and now probably have Lyme Disease. Also, can you believe the little bugger was on my thigh? PERVERT.

So, Raven tells me that he’s whisking Alayna away for a surprise weekend upstate and asks me to cover for him by making fake plans with her for Friday night. (He did the same thing WITH HER BOSS. As in, her boss was all, MAKE SURE YOU COME INTO WORK ON FRIDAY! knowing full well that Alayna would not be doing anything of the sort.) All week, Alayna was like CAN’T WAIT FOR DINNER ON FRIDAY! WHERE SHOULD WE GO!? And I would text Raven and be all BWA HA HA YOUR PLAN IS WORKING! YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS DUMB!

Sure enough, Friday morning I got some BBM’s from Alayna:

“Um! I’m in a car! But I don’t know where I’m going! So I can’t hang out tonight! But Raven says you knew that!?”

SURPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISE!

I have to hand it to Raven because if I were Alayna, I would’ve been immediately suspicious of A SURPRISE WEEKEND AWAY FULL OF SURPRISES WHICH ARE ALL A SURPRISE! But Raven cleverly used the excuse of her birthday which had been the weekend before so every sweet gesture had the guise of BUT IT’S FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY! Genius. Also, they headed upstate to visit her two roommates who were performing in a show. So it was like OH! BIRTHDAY SURPRISE! WE’RE VISITING YOUR FRIENDS!

I’m not going to get the details of what happened on Saturday exactly right because I wasn’t there. I was on Fire Island in a rainstorm getting ticks. BUT THE POINT IS: Raven basically had the entire town in on his engagement plan. Everyone knew. Except Alayna. Because, BIRTHDAY SURPRISE!

She ends up getting index cards throughout the day with CLUES ON THEM written in LIMERICK FORMAT sending her on a scavenger hunt of sorts. She was instructed to go to the coffee shop to meet her roommate, he gave her the next card sending her to the winery, the woman there gave her the next card sending her to an ice cream shop, etc. And she finally ends up in this glen near a waterfall where Raven is waiting with his great-grandmother’s one carat diamond ring asking to love her until the end of time.

I’m going to pause this story so we can all wipe our eyes because THAT IS LOVE, PEOPLE but also because I want to point out that when she called me later, shrieking and crying, she definitely used the word “glen” and I was like what the hell? Who even USES that anymore? And then I got a ridiculous image of Alayna and Raven getting engaged under a waterfall with a ton of little leprechauns jumping about but that is just because my imagination is vivid.

AND IF IT’S A GLEN, THEN SO BE IT.

In summation, Raven decided he liked it and he better put a ring on it, so he did.

When Alayna told me she was engaged, I screamed a little bit but I wasn’t actually surprised. I think this is because as soon as they met, Alayna and Raven were sort of joined at the hip and it seemed like it always was that way and always should be that way. So, if you’re gonna throw marriage on the table, I’m all YEAH DUDE WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG? DIDN’T THAT ALREADY HAPPEN!?

But it didn’t.

BUT NOW IT WILL.

And I kept my tears in check until the following day when Alayna asked me over the phone to be her maid of honor.

I’m sorry.

What?

Me???

I’ve never been a maid of honor before.

I’ve never even been a bridesmaid actually since my brother and his wife didn’t have a wedding party when they got married.

Alayna said something poetic like, I can’t think of another person I want standing up there next to me and then! THEN MY TEARS GUSHED LIKE THE WATER IN THE WATERFALL IN THE GLEN! Because blimey, I’m going to be a maid of honor? And get to wear a pretty dress and stand next to Alayna while she promises to love Raven for the rest of her life?

I AM THE LUCKIEST PERSON EVER?

Except Alayna’s not because I’m going to be bawling my eyes out and my sister said that’s okay, just make sure I do it quietly so as not to distract from the ceremony. I’m going to have to start practicing now.

I hung up with her shortly after that and went for a lovely morning walk. The sky was really bright from the rain the previous day and the clouds were fluffy and I was still crying. Tears pouring down my face because I am slightly insane and was sort of sleep deprived and HOLY COW YOU GUYS! My best friend is getting MARRIED!!!

And that proposal…

I mean HONESTLY? Limericks!? And clues? And getting a whole small town in on your secret surprise plan?

Do you know what that is?

THAT’S SO RAVEN.

I had to, you guys, I had to.

I couldn’t be more excited for them as I love them both so very, very much.

My dearest Alayna,

Remember when you used to wonder if you’d ever find someone to be with?

Remember how you rarely stressed about it and instead, just lived your life and found joy and beauty in all that you did, by yourself, and grew into this marvelously independent, interesting, beautiful person?

And remember how so unexpectedly, someone showed up who fell in love with that perfectly unique, wonderful you?

And how that person simply encouraged you to continue to be the perfect person you are?

That was kind of awesome.

And so inspiring.

From where I’m standing, next to you always, you help me believe that love is real.